Some things in life are just boring.
The Kardashians. Listening to a Verve album. People who Instagram their food.
It was built in the 1960’s to give Pakistan a new capital because the old one was apparently broken.
I’ve been to few capitals in the world that were built for no other reason than to house the political elite. Each of these are as exciting as yet another social media war amongst Indians and Pakistanis about who has the most toilets.
I’ve lived in New Delhi. It’s crap
I’ve visited Canberra. It’s crapper
I was meant to spend a night in Islamabad, and it was so crap that we left our hotel 10 minutes after checking in and drove a few hours up to Nathia Gali to sleep in a slum in the cold. That’s how totally crap Islamabad is.
Now this is a problem, because the Pakistan Super League has a team based there.
Well, by based there, I mean all of their key people are based in Lahore and they just stole Islamabad’s name. There’s a rumour that none of the administration or players actually know where Islamabad is. When asked to point it out on a map, Misbah thought it was in Manchuria.
Islamabad is so tedious that they couldn’t even come up with a decent moniker. While competing PSL franchises came up with names we could relate to like Kings and Gladiators, Islamabad unleashed “United” onto us all.
It’s like they wanted to be a European soccer club but found themselves having to play cricket instead.
Go to any chai stand and strike up a conversation with the opposite sex. Mention that you follow the PSL.
“Oh wow. Who is your team? The Qalandars? The Sultans?” she says with a glint in her eye.
“I follow United” you reply
“Ummm ok. Have a nice day”. The opposite sex has left the chat.
Even when Islamabad won the PSL, the only people that celebrated in the streets were two stray dogs.
The owners of Islamabad United can quickly fix this though, and with it, save the sex lives of the fourteen people who openly admit to supporting this club.
It’s really quite simple.
Move the joint a few kilometres to Rawalpindi.
Firstly, unlike Islamabad, Rawalpindi actually has a cricket stadium. That is usually an important piece of infrastructure if you want to have a PSL franchise. And Pindi stadium roars like a V8 on high octane fuel at the drag races. It’s addictive. It’s primal. It’s like heroin dipped in chocolate with Pearl Jam playing an acoustic set in the background.
Rawalpindi actually has a culture. And when I travel to cities around the globe, I want to experience these cultures. Islamabad has none, unless you count diplomats dining with other diplomats behind gated walls a culture.
After moving the team to Rawalpindi, change the name. Change it to anything you like, because what you come up with, it will be better than Islamabad United. The Rawalpindi Elevator Music would be an improvement.
But I suggest going with “Rawalpindi Boyz”.
It would be the coolest franchise name in the whole of the world.
Imagine tapping into the subculture of Pindi youth. It would be an unstoppable force. Like nepotism in the PCB.
As a team owner, think of the amount of T-shirts, tight jeans and motorcycle merchandise you would sell.
You’d no longer have to ask Shaheel Khan and Khalid Latif to spot fix in order to help you raise the funds required to pay your annual PSL franchise fee.
You could get Taher Shah to write the franchise’s theme song. His eye for greatness and angel like voice would create a masterpiece. It could ring out throughout Raja Bazaar
The Rawalpindi Boyz.
There are no down sides.
Who’s with me on this?
- Why I’m Scared of Travelling to Pakistan - February 19, 2020
- Why Islamabad United Won’t Improve Your Sex Life and How To Fix It - January 2, 2020
- The Only Honest Review of The PSL 2020 Draft on the Internet - December 7, 2019
- Dennis Does The World Cup: My essential guide to a very un-international international cricket tournament - June 2, 2019
- Dennis Does Pakistan – Full Documentary - April 14, 2019