Sad news has engulfed the cricketing world as we hear of the split between Shane Warne and girlfriend Emily Scott.
For those that don’t know, Emily is a model and DJ.
For completeness, Shane is now a cricket commentator and wax statue
When I called Shane for comment, he said that “this is what life must be like under ISIS.”
Emily didn’t appear to be as sad as Shane, getting ‘laid in the sun’ almost immediately after the news was broken.
I just hope the lucky guy used protection. This is a girl who has slept with Shane Warne remember.
Warne’s ex girlfriend, Liz Hurley, was also good enough to provide her thoughts on the break up.
She sent me her favourite pic of her and Shane together, stating that she still had deep feelings for him and wished him all the best.
Anyhow, the aim of the love game is to bat as long as possible. Unfortunately, this goes against Shane’s natural instincts of ending an innings as quickly as he can.
In recent years we have seen him get caught by Simone Callahan, have to retire hurt due to a Liz Hurley beamer and yesterday, steer one that was way too good for him straight to first slip.
Did you notice the subtle cricketing turn of phrase in that paragraph above? Top shelf.
Anyhow, Shane’s relationship with Emily was probably doomed to fail given his summation of how they met:
“I said hello and she gave me doughnuts”
I’ve never known picking up on the first date as someone ‘giving me doughnuts’. But I’m Gen X, which means the cool kids are using language that I don’t know about.
The upshot for Shane is that he no longer has to battle for the mascara in the mornings.
That reminds me. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Anyhow, Shane’s next move is an important one.
Not just for him, but also for our ability to gain pleasure from commenting on his personal life.
So, to ensure Shane gets it right next time, I have created this list of potential girlfriends for his consideration.
This single Australian Senator was recently asked how she likes her men.
Now I don’t know what Shane packs between his legs, but surely plastic surgery hasn’t forgotten his other head?
Not a household name, but stick with me.
Although only 15, Paula appears to have all the right credentials to date a man like Shane Warne. Firstly, she is the illegitimate love child of Richard Pratt, one of Australia’s richest men. As his ex wife tells us, Shane has proven he is a fan of cheating.
Secondly, Pratt made his fortune as a recycling magnate. Who better to date Warne than someone who knows how to handle second hand plastic?
This one makes plenty of sense. Lara likes cricket and enjoys making a fool of herself in love and other matters.
Coincidentally, Warne enjoys the exact same hobbies. A match made in heaven perhaps?
A mirror and a smartphone
Why settle? If deep down Shane knows that no one can satisfy him like his right hand, why not keep it that way?
Everyone deserves to be the beneficiary of a swipe to the right. If you happen to do it when Shane’s picture appears, you probably deserve it more than most.
Of course, this list is just a start.
What about an office romance? With Australian Women’s Captain Meg Lanning in the commentary box this summer, that could work. She’s also only 22, which is right within Shane’s sweetspot.
For something a little different, Warne could also go for a celebrity gold digger. Brynne Edelsten is single I hear.
The most logical choice for Shane is to appear on next season’s series of ‘The Bachelor’.
This highly classy show gives him the freedom to date multiple young girls at once.
All of this within the comfort and bounds of a manufactured television orgy.
This is, of course, a naturally occurring environment and one where Warne has proven abilities.
The great thing is that if Shane keeps this form up, we may one day see a Broadway Musical highlighting his exploits.
Have you got any ideas on who Shane should date? The comments section below is waiting for your thoughts.
- Why I’m Scared of Travelling to Pakistan - February 19, 2020
- Why Islamabad United Won’t Improve Your Sex Life and How To Fix It - January 2, 2020
- The Only Honest Review of The PSL 2020 Draft on the Internet - December 7, 2019
- Dennis Does The World Cup: My essential guide to a very un-international international cricket tournament - June 2, 2019
- Dennis Does Pakistan – Full Documentary - April 14, 2019