Billionaire and raging cricket fan Donald Trump today announced that he would make Indian cricket ‘great again’.
“If you thought winning the Presidential race was an achievement, wait until I unleash on the BCCI” Trump said.
“Firstly, let me state that an extremely credible source has called my office and informed me that Sachin Tendulkar’s birth certificate is a fake.
He is no proud Indian like he states. He is in fact Nepalese. A fraud. Look at how short he is. Isn’t it obvious?
You are all worshipping the wrong guy. You should be very angry that you have been mislead like this. If you want a true Indian cricket hero to worship, then get behind me. Or Brett Lee. He’s also a great Indian.”
Trump then went on to talk about Pakistan.
“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build it very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our western border, and I will make Pakistan pay for that wall.
No more Wasim taking IPL coaching jobs from great Indian coaches. No more Rameez Raja taking commentary jobs from hard working media practitioners from Mumbai.
I’ll even make sure Pakistan are kicked out of World Cups. In fact, we will play all future World Cups in India. And I’ll have great players that win those World Cups. Mark my words.
And I have a message for my critics like Ravi Shastri. I don’t wear a rug—it’s mine. And I promise not to talk about your massive plastic surgeries that didn’t work.
I have a great relationship with Indians. Indians love me. And let me tell you another thing. I’m fabulously wealthy. And I’m surrounded by the most beautiful Bollywood actresses. Just look at how beautiful they are.
And another thing – Will you take a look at Anurag Thakur’s face. Would you trust a face like that? Is that the face of a BCCI President?
When you elect me, I’ll work straight into his office and tell him ‘You’re Fired!”
Yes I will.
And I’ll do the same to Lodha and Mudgal and the Supreme Court. They’ve never built anything like I have. They don’t have their names on buildings. Only winners have their names on buildings.
And everyone knows that the selection panel should never pick Rohit Sharma for the Test team again. I’ll make the selectors do it.
You know the funny thing, I don’t get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people. Chai Wallahs love me.
It’s tangible, it’s solid, it’s beautiful. It’s artistic, from my standpoint, and I just love India.
I’m going to make Indian cricket great again.”