The Funk and Wagnalls Guide To Australian Test Selection Theories

You don’t accept a mace for being the best Test team in the world unless you have rock solid selection methods.

By rock solid, I mean that they are likely not rock solid. 

We know that, because two weeks after that mace presentation, it all seemed somewhat premature. 

Although more secretive than the formula for Coca Cola, I believe I’ve managed to crack the code to Australian Test selection theories. 

Initially, this was going to be released via Wikileaks, but you can’t leave comments over there, and that wouldn’t be fair to others who pick up things I’ve missed. 

Anyhow, here’s the elements of the selection Rosetta Stone that I’ve been able to decipher. 

• At least one player should tour who doesn’t deserve to be there. 
• Best practice suggests that person’s surname should be Marsh. 
• A left arm spinner must be picked, even though only one has ever done anything in the whole history of Test cricket for any country in the whole universe over the course of humanity or the Jurassic era. 
• Ensure that wicketkeepers are alternated between those that can catch and those that cannot. 
• Ignore First Class runs until the player turns 32. Keep ignoring if their name is Klinger. 
• Ignore Shield wickets. Especially those that are Pakistani refugees or those named Mennie. 
• If you bowl slower than 140kph, become a left arm spinner. Your chance of selection increases dramatically. 
• Pick a non performing all rounder at number 6. If in Asia, pick two all rounders. If feeling frisky, pick three. 
• Do whatever Shane Warne says in a manifesto. 
• Making hundreds in the Big Bash is important.
• Take more quicks than spinners to Asia. 
• The number 3 position is to be rotated every third Test series. 
• Nathan Lyon should always feel his spot is under pressure, no matter how many 5-fers he takes

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