There is government body in Australia called the Transport Accident Commission (TAC).
Amongst other things, their job is to educate the general public about the dangers of driving while under the influence of alcohol.
The blood alcohol limit in Australia is 0.05.
Their slogan is now ingrained in the local vernacular.
“Only a little bit over? You bloody idiot!”.
James Pattinson is a bloody idiot.
Bowling to Brendan McCullum when he decides to embark on blitzkrieg must be daunting. Giving him a life because you couldn’t keep just a tiny amount of your foot behind the line is criminal.
McCullum had faced 30 balls when Mitch Marsh took the catch of his life. Only that it didn’t count. Pattinson had overstepped. No Ball.
Mitch Marsh’s effort was relegated to a brilliant piece of fielding. Not a catch.
Pattinson was only a little bit over.
McCullum was on 39 runs at the time.
Fast forward 24 balls.
McCullum now has a century.
McCullum has broken how mathematics work.
The difference between 30 and 54 is no longer 24.
McCullum, lacking an abacus but holding a piece of English willow just proved that the difference between 30 and 54 is 61 runs.
He gets there faster than previous record holder Sir Viv. He gets there faster than last year’s effort by Misbah.
He gets there faster than any man in the history of the human race.
It is like Usain Bolt is batting. Blink and you miss it.
A new world record.
New Zealand were 4/92. It should have been 5/92.
After the classic catch, a 3rd umpire review, a retrospective no ball call and a little bit of sporting romance, it was now 4/93.
The thing about these types of innings is that by the time you work out something is going on, you have missed half of it.
Not this time. You couldn’t miss it. Just ask Mitch Marsh.
His first over to the Big Mac went for 21. On the first morning of a Test match. On a green top that was seaming. In his last ever Test match.
“Take your time Brendan. It’s your last Test”
“Nah. I’m going to break two World Records today.”
The fastest ever Test hundred will be remembered.
The fact that he also passed the mark for the most 6’s hit in Test matches should not be forgotten.
More than Gilchrist. More than Sehwag. More than Gayle.
145 (79) was how it ended.
It should have been 39 (30).
Then we all would have said how it was a brave innings, but a typical modern day slogger’s attempt at playing the long form of the game.
We would be discussing how his Test average will finish under 40. We would be discussing how his average against Australia is less than 30. How he choked in the World Cup final. How he couldn’t even convince a jury that Chris Cairns had asked him to do naughty things.
But Brendan has stolen the narrative back.
He has robbed the trolls of their chronicle.
Now we will discuss the alternate view around the camp fire.
The one where we now now ask ourselves why he is retiring so early? The one where we relive how he became the first Kiwi to make a Test 300. The one where we discuss how his regime of 6’s perhaps was a catalyst in changing how batsman play the game.
But when you do, don’t forget just how central James Pattinson being a “bloody idiot” is to the story.