The South African sports minister Fikile Mbalula has today announced that a review will be held into the country’s controversial racial quota system.
After the damaging leak that Kyle Abbott was dropped from the World Cup semi final for Vernan Philander due to his skin colour, we have decided to look into the policy that made it happen.
Of course, all of this is purely unofficial.
The South African government would never officially condone such a practice, and definitely never pressure Cricket South Africa to adopt one if it unofficially existed.
The minister was careful to ensure that everything was ‘unofficial’, given the ICC’s Article 2.9(B) of ICC’s Articles of Association which states as follows:
‘Where a Government interferes in the administration of cricket by a Member, including but not limited to interference in …. the selection and management of teams … the Executive Board shall have the power to suspend or refuse to recognize that Member…’.
If the South African government was to formally acknowledge the policy, then Cricket South Africa would most likely face ICC sanctions.
Mbalula went on to explain the demographics of South Africa.
Unofficially, if we were to explore the make up of our great nation, it would show that almost 80% of us are black. By black, I unofficially mean those that have more melanin in their skin than say someone who doesn’t have as much.
Unofficially, the government believes that this is still the best way to define people, because really, every one must have a racial label attached to them for a high functioning society to harmoniously exist.
9% of non blacks are white. Then there are some Asians and people with other random amounts of melanin.
Also, only 29% of us have finished high school. Clearly, I am unofficially one of the other 74%.
15% of us are under 5 years of age. 8% are over 65 years of age. This is all unofficial of course.
80% of us are Christians. 1.5% of the population are following something called Islam. I am also told that there is a Jew living in Sandton. I will of course sort that out. It’s clearly unofficially unacceptable
We have 11 national languages. Sign language is not one of them. It would be wrong to include it. Its number of speakers are nowhere near as many as the combined high melanin languages. We must remain in symmetry with our representation. Unofficially of course.
51% of us are female. This is a wonderful country to be a man.
When asked what all of this meant, the sports minister responded with the following:
Given all of the above, we are unofficially ordering Cricket South Africa to unofficially adopt a new quota profile for their senior men’s team.
It must be as representative of the unofficial demographics of South Africa as possible. This is the only way to have a person earn their spot in a sporting side on merit. We shall unofficially call it ‘uber transformation‘.
No more will Philander be unfairly labelled a ‘quota’ player. All players will now be ‘quota’ players. This is only fair.
The XI must now unofficially include:
1) A white Jewish man with an annual disposable income less than 4,000 Rand;
2) A black Catholic man who is a 3rd year apprentice carpenter;
3) A black woman who can speak 7 languages from Port Elizabeth;
4) AB de Villiers;
5) An Elvis impersonator who can swing it a bit and look a little like a young Nelson Mandela;
6) Another black guy. Unofficially, we can’t have too many of those;
7) A black member of the ANC who is related to a current minister and fits into an XL sized tracksuit;
8) A black Afrikaans speaking Zimbabwean refugee just to show our unofficial inclusiveness. It would be handy if he had a decent slower ball;
9) A white gay man. Unofficially, there are no black gay men in South Africa;
10) A 12 year old school boy cricketer from a township without flowing water; and
11) A handicapped person of at least 65 years of age to unofficially represent the more mature South African.
When asked to comment, N. Srinivasan of the ICC stated that South Africa ‘have done nothing wrong’.
OMG – Dennis this is absolutely brilliant and really although the humour is great and had me giggling all the way through, the truth shines through. I can almost guarantee that the ICC will do absolutely nothing.
I notice you left out deaf transgender arm wrestlers from Mpumalanga. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, DENNIS.
Oversight Ami. Sorry. I’ll make a donation to the ANC to make amends.
Brilliant article! However, the Alastair Cook clock that follows brought out the loudest snort.