How are you?
My name is Dennis.
Look, I just wanted to ask you some questions in regards to Australian selection policy.
I trust that’s ok?
I mean, you are the Australian Head of Selectors and all that.
Before, we begin, it’s important to me that you know that I know that you know that I know that you are not Shaun or Mitch Marsh’s father.
For a minute there, I thought you were Australia’s equivalent of Roger Binny. You know that guy who selects the Indian team and always picks his son Stuart?
Anyhow, it took me about two minutes on google to work out that you were not playing nepotism.
That means I can leave the nepotism abuse to the other 99% of Australian cricket fans who aren’t that clued in.
So, here are my questions Mr Marsh:
1) Do you wish you could jump into the DeLorean and jump back in time to …well maybe just a few days ago?
Let’s face it.
By not selecting Usman Khawaja in the ODI squad, you have effectively shot Bambi.
Instead of giving us a decent justification, you simply have asked us who would we leave out for him?
I’ll take you up on that opportunity.
How about anyone who has batted from numbers 1 – 6 over the past few years. I don’t even care if it is Steve Smith.
Usmania is here.
It’s like Hulkamania, but with 50% more steroids and less sex tapes and racist rants.
Even the Iraqi Information Minister wouldn’t have tried to talk himself out of this selection blunder.
It’s the kind of howler that DRS was meant to prevent.
2) Do you wish you could jump into the DeLorean and jump back in time to …well maybe just a few days ago (Part II)?
After just two matches, you dropped Nathan Lyon for an untried leg-spinner.
You see Rod, the reason Nathan is nicknamed the “GOAT” is because he is really really good at that spin bowling thing.
Last time you overlooked him, it was because you didn’t want to dent his confidence.
Remember when you did that to Phil Hughes. You ignored him for Rod Quiney and Alex Doolan.
It was dumb then and it is even dumberer now.
Your latest excuse is that Nathan should play in a Shield match to prepare for the Test series against New Zealand.
If that’s the case, then anyone in the Test team should do the same.
It’s only fair right?
Sorry Warner, Smith, Hazlewood, Mitch Marsh and Shaun Marsh.
Youse are all dropped.
Instead of picking Lyon, you have chosen Zampa.
This is a bloke whose greatest moment on a cricket field was running out a guy with his face.
May I remind you that an ODI is not a place for try outs.
I thought you would have learnt this after Boland, Paris, Stoinis, Agar, Burns, Sandhu, Abbott, Coulter-Nile, Ahmed, Cutting, Forrest, Christian and Manou.
Clearly you haven’t.
3) Should the best team be picked, or should we just try and dislodge the incumbents?
No, my name is Dennis. Not Darryl.
Anyway, by not selecting Lyon or Khawaja, you have essentially said that you are not picking the best team.
Instead, greater weight is given to those in the team.
Why is that?
Isn’t the goal of any international match to win?
If that is true, then isn’t it logical to select the best team available?
If this is true, wouldn’t you then pick the world’s best off spinner and the world’s most inform white ball batsman?
If this is true, what the hell are you doing?
4) You are the first full time chairman of selectors. How do you think you are going since you took over from John Inverarity and Andrew Hilditch before him?
Ok, you can’t be going any worse than Hilditch. Remember when he was snapped walking his dog on the beach during a Test match when Australia was being scalped by South Africa?
At least you turn up to matches. Sometimes.
When yo are not there, at least Mark Waugh is in the commentary box or fellow selector Andy Bichel is…..actually, I have no idea where he is. Reckon he could show his face now and then? Is he even a selector anymore? See, we don’t even know.
Moving on, you have come out with some ridiculous and mind numbingly condescending statements recently. Even Chairman John didn’t sound so out of his depth.
“Part of our selection policy is that if you’ve got two blokes who are absolutely equal, you go for the younger bloke”
You said that after you selected Joe Burns over Cameron Bancroft. But in that same match, you also selected 32 year old Shaun Marsh for his 7th comeback mission over virtually everyone. Michael Klinger had essentially wasted the last 12 month of his life making 14 tons in all formats around the world.
Did you even call him to apologise?
Remember when you said this at the World Cup in regards to Watson:
“He might have to rely on someone else’s lack of form or an injury to get back in”.
Just four days later, you dropped Mitch Marsh for him.
There was the comment that Lyon was “too good” for ODI’s and that time that the “Family First” policy was forgotten when Brad Haddin went to nurse his sick daughter.
You once selected Fekete to tour Bangladesh. He was dropped from his Shield team only a month later for being horrible.
I almost forgot the Shane Watson / Mitch Marsh merry go round during The Ashes, culminating with a one match Shaun Marsh cameo.
5) Speaking of the Marsh brothers….
What is the appeal?
We just don’t get it.
Shaun is a terribly inconsistent red ball player on the bad side of 30, who has had more opportunities to get it right than Julia Gillard.
Mitch Marsh is picked as a red ball number 6, meaning you think he has some ability with the bat. He doesn’t. He never has. The stats don’t lie.
Australia doesn’t need a bowling all rounder. It needs a strong middle order.
Is it just stubbornness?
If you want some help picking better players, perhaps use the Shield stats as a friendly guide.
Last time you did that, you picked Adam Voges.
He now has the 2nd highest Test batting average of all time for anybody ever after 13 matches. It is 85.66.
Only Sir Donald was ahead of him.
He’s also 36, which proves your youth policy thing is broken.
6) While we are on the topic of broken, what’s with this 140 kph fast bowler policy?
To the average bloke, it appears a bit strange.
Essentially, unless a quick can consistently bowl at 140 clicks, you won’t pick them.
The reason why that’s dumb is that the prime task of a bowler is to take wickets. It is not to bowl fast.
You are wasting the talents of guys like Jackson Bird who gets a Test match every 2 years. Then there is Joe Mennie. He is a destroyer of batting attacks.
Have you even watched him play?
The number 1 ranked Test bowler in the world at the moment is Stuart Broad. He only bowls at 140 kph when the speed gun is broken.
James Anderson has taken over 400 Test wickets with dibbly dobblers. Jacques Kallis took over 300 at an even slower pace.
Can we just pick the bowlers who take wickets from now on?
- Why I’m Scared of Travelling to Pakistan - February 19, 2020
- Why Islamabad United Won’t Improve Your Sex Life and How To Fix It - January 2, 2020
- The Only Honest Review of The PSL 2020 Draft on the Internet - December 7, 2019
- Dennis Does The World Cup: My essential guide to a very un-international international cricket tournament - June 2, 2019
- Dennis Does Pakistan – Full Documentary - April 14, 2019