The Indian Cricket fan is a complex, yet simple beast at the same time.
A crude juxtaposition I know.
Do you like how I used the word ‘juxtaposition’? I only heard it for the first time yesterday. I still have no idea what it means. I probably just insulted over a billion people.
Anyhow, I once had the pleasure (or otherwise) of living in India. It was over 10 years ago now, but I did it for nearly 2 years. Based out of Mumbai and Delhi, I saw virtually every state of the country.
I have played cricket in Sikkim, bowled wides in Bihar, fetched balls from the ocean in Goa and chased snakes off the pitch in Nagaland.
Through all this, I got to learn about the Indian cricket fan from the perspective of a ‘gora’. The English translation is a derogatory term for a white man. It’s probably racist and I likely should be offended. But don’t worry. If you go to watch a match in India, I can share with you some other Hindi sayings that will calm the buggers down.
Having spent this much time in India, I am clearly well qualified to pass judgement on their cricketing culture. I’m almost as qualified to comment as a guy who visits KFC is on the topic of healthy eating.
Anyhow, let’s break the Indian cricket fan down piece by piece.
Indian cricket fans are deluded about Sachin’s true legacy
It doesn’t matter what the scenario. If you are in a conversation with an Indian cricket fan, the subject will always steer towards Sachin Tendulkar.
Let’s be honest at this point. He made a few runs and lasted a few years. He also got Sir Donald Bradman’s vote. But hey, James Anderson got Wasim Akram’s vote, so let’s not overate these opinions.
What Indian cricket fans fail to realise is that Sachin didn’t help their team in any meaningful way. In all those Test and ODI’s he played, the percentage of Man Of The Match awards was pitiful. He didn’t turn games. He couldn’t win a series off his own bat.
He was a good ordinary middle order player who just happened to hang around for a while.
What’s even more strange is that the bloke in the team with the lowest charisma rating won over a nation of people who love bling and it’s trappings. A generalist statement I know, but if I’m only 50% right, I’m describing 600 million people.
So, my point is that Indian cricket fans place a higher value on this bloke than they should.
You need to be aware of that while conversing.
If you aren’t an Indian cricket fan, you are logically jealous of the IPL
Don’t criticise the IPL in the presence of an Indian cricket fan.
The conversation will not end well.
Did you know that the Indian parliament recently passed a law that made it compulsory to respond any Indian cricket crisis with the retort ‘don’t be jealous of the IPL‘?
Indian captain MS Dhoni is a true patriot and happily recites this on a regular basis.
So even though the IPL is riddled with corruption, gambling warlords, crappy dancers, unknown players, won’t allow Pakistanis to play and weakens the Indian Test team, I suggest that robust discussion about the IPL be avoided.
I have only ever met 2 Indian cricket fans who have seen India play live in India
Indians in India don’t go to the cricket. They wait until their father pays for them to study overseas. Then they are happy to hand over ridiculous amounts of shekels to watch their touring team stink it up.
It makes no sense.
I’ve been to Eden Gardens to watch India play. I’ve been to Wankhede. I’ve even been to Ahmedabad.
I won’t be going back to that last one. The stadium, well the State of Gujarat that it lies in, has a zero alcohol policy. It also has the only Pizza Hut in the world that I know off that is vegetarian only. It wasn’t a pleasant experience.
Apart from Eden Gardens which used to hold 120k people, the other grounds are not overly massive. Mumbai has almost 12 million people in it, yet can’t fill the stadium to watch the national team play.
Why is this?
I can’t even throw out a crazy theory to explore with you, as the whole thing is nonsensical.
Indian cricket fans secretly wish they played Pakistan more
The Indian cricket fan secretly loves the concept of playing Pakistan more.
One of my favourite cricketing memories of all time was when India hosted Pakistan in Calcutta (as it was then known) in 2004. Pakistan winning was one thing. Angry locals shooting guns into the air outside my hotel was another.
The worst of it was the Delhi belly I caught, but that’s for another story.
The India v Pakistan rivalry has the foundations to be bigger than The Ashes.
It could be called the Lord Mountbatten Cup perhaps?
Indian cricket fans desperately want their Test team to be relevant on the world stage. Playing more regular Test series against their neighbours is a strong desire.
Of course, when Pakistan belt them off the park, they will likely blame an Anglo conspiracy.
Indian cricket fans swear a lot.
The great thing about spending a bit of time in India as I have, is that you pick up the odd word and phrase here and there.
In my case, I know the Hindi variants for having sexual relations with your sister, mother or goat.
I was exposed to the words for a person’s genitalia and have been known to slip the odd ‘chutiya’ out when in the presence of cricket administrators from Tamil Nadu.
I’m not sure that I’ve ever had a conversation with an Indian cricket fan where swearing hasn’t been used.
As an Australian, I find this rather shocking.
We perceive Indians as calm and gentle and in the mold of Mahatma Gandhi .
Being confronted with vile bad mouthed Harbhajans is not what we expect when talking about cricket.
Not even the South Africans swear as much as the Indian Cricket fans.
Why are they like this?
I have no idea.
Just ensure that if you are about to embark in a cricket conversation with one that your wife or mother isn’t present.
- Dennis Does The World Cup: My essential guide to a very un-international international cricket tournament - June 2, 2019
- Dennis Does Pakistan – Full Documentary - April 14, 2019
- Dennis’ Unhelpful Guide To PSL4 - February 11, 2019
- Welcome to CBCTV - December 14, 2018
- A Critical Review of the 2018 PSL Draft - November 21, 2018
It’s Gandhi and not Ghandi
Is that it? 1,000+ words of effort and that’s all you’ve got to say?
*sigh*
Its because , it appears to be slightly disrespectful to father of our nation. What if we say “badman” instead of bradman? (No offense intended)
Who are you saying is the father of your nation? Sachin? On the other point, I don’t mind Badman. Not great, not something I would use, but not horrible.
He meant Mahatma Gandhi….
the writer of this piece of shit is himself shit headed and mother fucker..
You are welcome. Thanks for proving my last point in the article correct.
All true. But fans from other countries incuding Australia and England are equally worse. Or to borrow some of your words, they are chutiyas.
I’ve done one on Australian fans already. Pakistanis are next
I have to agree with you regd Tendulkar. Have to disagree regd IPL. There are Indian fans who hate the IPL.
They are the clever ones
why pakistanis, why not windies, english, kiwis
Because I have the pen.
Its true.. some points or if I may say…80% of the facts you put together is true. But what can we do? We love cricket. People take it to a whole new level. We consider our team as a part of our family. We have accepted them. As far as sledging is concerned, you are experienced enough to know that every team does that. Well, sometimes it does get out of hand, but that doesn’t mean we disrespect anyone. The team is aggressive. No need to make an issue out of it. I personally feel Shane Warne was the most rude player on field. That’s my opinion, but that doesn’t mean I disrespect him. Crowd does get unruly. If you want to play with the best cricket team in the world, you have to face the heat.
That reply is too serious for here.
Why do you think so??
Maybe I’m just used to being abused
Well, I want to add that you haven’t seen India. There are places. where people love cricket and the players. Aus players have done bollywood movies. Since IPL foreign players have become more of a household name. Those days are gone when writers and cricketers were abused..:P
I’ve seen more of India than most. I was on the set of Dhoom when it was filmed, I’ve been to Wagah Gate, Taj Majal, Red Fort, Burmese border, ridden a tram in Kolkotta…..
So you came as a tourist. That’s great. Have you been here when there is a India-Pakistan match or any match? You have been to so many ‘places’. We are culturally divided on a wide scale. People differ from each other in every city. We never get united unless its for a common cause, that being cricket. I would say, cricket is the glue that holds us together. So I don’t see anything wrong if people do abuse during a match. They are at least not fighting among themselves. I have visited all of India, from ladakh to Kerala. I have seen it all. I have experienced it.
No. I was in India on business.
The only line you could see was the first one?
It’s a typical selective hearing technique practiced by the West in the face of good points from the East.
ok so you yourself claim to be a cricketing genius ??? so whom according to you is the best player if saching tendulkar is a meagre ordinary middle order batsman ( who batted almost through out his career as an opener in odi’s) … is it bradman ? who played against the same team in the same conditions forever ? no disrespect meant but a fact … u may pinpoint me as a hardcore sachin fan which is true and im happy to hear it… but as a cricket fan i repent your view against sachin ..
Simple …its Badman !
Sorry but badman played against the shittiest England team in a fucked up WW2 era and averaged 99. He wouldn’t average 30 if he played in this era.
Yeah, Nah
Dude, your entitled to your Anonymous opinion …even when your wrong. It would have only taken a little bit to research, to find out you were about to spout rubbish, before you run your mouth.
Bradman averaged 95.14 across his first class domestic career playing against the best Australian cricketers , yes those same test playing ones that beat the the supposedly “weak arsed pommy teams.”
I would say that Ricky Ponting is far much better than Bradman. I just don’t like to believe ww2 era facts. And besides those were the days where no one was professionally trained to compete. Bradman played cricket against some incompetent cricketers of that era.
Okay, i’ll give you 2 quotes and you choose which one you’d like to apply to yourself.
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still – Dale Carnegie
or
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” ― Mark Twain
I’ve decided this Edward character knows his stuff
I strongly believe that the Australian team of late 90s and early 2000s had much better batsmen than shitty bradman
Where have I claimed to be a Cricketing genius?
Haha… very well written. As an Indian I can attest to the fact that all of this is true.
“Being confronted with vile bad mouthed Harbhajans” — Hahahah I’m still laughing at this line. Hilarious!
Thanks buddy. Did you get the ebook I’m offering?
No. I got what I wanted when I stumbled upon this article. Not really interested in cricket since quite a few years now. All the best with it though.
OK!! Dennis right for what tome span you have been to India plzzzzzz tell me………. i am taking it say a year OK. Have ever gone through any governmental office if Sachin is playing good then the person is going to greet you and take your work seriously or go to hell…… This is Sachin’s effect………… Sir Don Bradman never player against any other opponent other than England so its really foolish to compare Bradman and sachin. You Australians why dont you admit it that The Biggest and the most effective player is from India. Don’t forget what Shane Warn what he said about Sachin and 2003 world cup OK….. 11 matches 673 runs and the strike rate of 89.25 ok brother…… Do you remember Sharjah 1998 sachin’s 134 in 131 balls hitting 12 fours and 3 sixes digest that first……… In India we have a saying in Hindi Baap Baap hota hai(Don’t teach your father how to fuck) digest that…… Now i will talk about sledging…. in my next comment……
I lived in India in 2004 / 05. I was last there in 2008 I reckon
hehe bit of a change of pace from the tone of the other comments doing the rounds here (maybe cuz I’m a Pakistani) but I love it! I’ll probably have to eat my words when you do write about Pakistan-I’m already shaking in my match-fixed boots-but whathehell, bring it on!
I’ll have a crack at the Pakistani one next week perhaps
An ordinary middle order player who got hundreds in Perth and Old Trafford at age 18?
An ordinary middle order player for whom we changed our rules to get him in as an overseas player?
who after getting hit by a nasty Waqar bouncer in the face, still batted on to get 58 runs at the age of 17?
An ordinary middle order player who gave the best spinner in the world nightmares?
who hit 4 sixes in an Abdul Qadir over?
really? wow! may be you are just trolling the Indians here lol
Nothing special there. Many teenagers have made hundreds overseas
Care to name one 17/18 year old from the sub-continent who scored a hundred in Aus/Eng/SA or one from outside sub-continent who scored a hundred in Ind/Pak/SL?
Dont even try to discredit a Tyke fella.
Hahahaha it’s soooo easy to troll Indian fans. Good post, waiting for the Pakistan one. I can assure you, the comments will be milder.
You have just categorized a country of 1.3 billion people, spread over 30 states, speaking 780 different languages into a single homogenous group. You surely deserve a Nobel prize in Miniaturization for this effort!
Your narrative leads to believe you have spent most of your time in the North. You would never see our Dravidian(ethnicity of the people in the south) people abusing. Man, they dont even know Hindi. Thats how diverse the nation is.
India is a piece of shitttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all indians go to hale ………… fuck u all…………….
Who the hell u r?????? what do u know about India Suzan we have the third largest army in the world i have 3 generations of my family in the Indian Army, u dont have that kind of population also…..HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
India is among 5 countries who has super sonic missiles and aircrafts ok………
We are the largest growing market in the world……and also have the most stable economy on this planet……. India provides with the most numbers of employees to the world. So actually your countries economy depends on our employees… sweetie We also produce the most brilliant minds and students on this planet not even china is before us …………….. The proof is more than 80% of employees in Microsoft corporation are Indians………… And also we have the worlds oldest university we gave it to the world before Jesus was born and also we have the mother of all languages in India only known as Sanskrit……… so short and simple Incredible India………………………..
and fuck uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu……………………
Brilliant minds need to patch my driver.
We come from the land of Kamasutras. We can fuck u in more ways than u can count.
OK fellas now let me talk about some numbers regarding Sachin and some other facts……. Starting with the maestro Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar……………..
When Sachin scored a century in Test match India has won 23 matches,lost 8 matches and draw 20 it gives hi a win percentage of 42% bro……
Now ODI he scored 49 centuries in which India has won 34,lost 13, tie1 so his win percentage is 68.76% this is the highest for any player……
He is the only player who has never been accused of any allegations regarding sledging or bad behaviour fellas………… He is also the first Cricketer to have his statue installed in Madam Tussuad’s museum…………..
OH!!!!!!!!!! and also the first sports person in the world tooooooo……. hahahahahahahahahaha
and yes as far as sledging is concerned Australia still tops the list…………
Take that……..
Ok. You got me
may be sachin tendulkar has not led the team for victory but he himself fought as a warrior when the team is trouble and if team cant take his innings to win what he only can do
yo dude totally agree with you, btws u forgot to mention the continuous chewing of that crap and spitting and IPL is a huge waste of time, although I do enjoy indulging in it… and have you visited Goa, if you have then please rate it, and Tendulkar is just a bloke who stuck around a bit too long, and the indian folks do worship him, I have nothing to object to, your an amaaaaaaazing writer
No way Sacchin is worlds best
Ahh… They have proved whatever said in the article… tnx chutiyas.. lol