Shane Watson Arrested for Battery

CARDIFF, 13 July 2015

Shane Watson, the Australian all-rounder, was arrested tonight in Cardiff on charges of assault and battery.

“A defendant has been taken into custody following recent events,” reads the Wales Police statement. “Following his deliberate attempts to place his front pad in the way of both Stuart Broad and Mark Wood, Cardiff constables took the defendant into custody.”

Watson’s manager refused to comment, apart from stating his client’s innocence. “We intend to challenge this,” he said.

The defendant’s lawyer has been much more open, slamming the arrest as “a public, vulgar slur on my client’s character. He has more Ashes runs than Sachin Tendulkar, and I see no similar public backlash against him.”

Brett Lee and James Brayshaw have put out a joint statement condemning the arrest.

“Watson is an integral cog in the Australian side, and for the English to arrest him on the basis of domestic abuse simply smacks of bitterness. Typical whinging Poms,” the statement reads. “They know he’s only a few more awful shots away from firing a huge double century against Simon Kerrigan and Scott Borthwick in a dead rubber. They’re running scared. And if the ghost of Darren Gough appears in prison, we’re more than willing to offer up our hotel room to Shane if he needs somewhere else to stay.”

Kevin Pietersen has gone public on the matter, despite the issue bearing no relation to him whatsoever. “I’m becoming irrelevant and that scares me,” Pietersen was quoted as saying.

Mark Wood has also made comment on the issue, expressing his sympathy towards the pad.

“I hope the pad recovers soon, and from all in the England camp, we’re willing to offer whatever support we can. I felt awful continuing to run in and bowl, seeing the pad so exposed and open to attack. I’ve never seen such vulnerability to LBW.

The pad in question is currently in a local hospital, receiving emergency care. Although in a stable condition, the pad reportedly decided to contact Police after its 29^th beating at the hands of Watson.

“And that’s only 29 that were given, so many others have gone unreported,” stated the pad’s friend – and Watson’s bat – who apparently has never received any contact at the hands of Watson.

Watson will appear in court on July 15^th, and is now a certainty to miss out on selection for the rest of the Ashes series. Darren Lehmann has other ideas, however: “We managed to play him against all expectation in this Test, we’ll do it for the next four.”

Sources indicate that even if found guilty, Watson intends to ask for a review of the decision.Follow @denniscricket_