Shane Warne has today launched his new book, “A Guide To Life”, in front of a packed crowd of 12 tenuously labelled celebrities somewhere in the South African jungle.
Speaking from atop a location appropriate leather sofa, Mr Warne announced that his latest work would be as influential as the Bible or even perhaps Mein Kampf.
“This book has letters . But given how unselfish I am, it even has words.
It’s like a ratio of 5:1 letters to words.
There is no extra charge for all those words. Some I even put in there myself.”
Mr Warne went on to detail the chapters in the book.
“There is a chapter called ‘Swipe Right’, where I teach you how to tear up the singles scene and have all your one night stands sell their stories to Women’s Day.
There is also a bonus lift out of the 5 easy steps to ensuring you can split any money the sheila makes from rooting you.
There’s a chapter called ‘Being Christopher Skase’.
It shows you how to run a not for profit for profit and how to employ your brother as a CEO for $350,000 a year.
That chapter then shows you how to avoid the authorities and piss off overseas when it all falls flat on its face. I’ve even got a few pages on how to deal with Andrew Denton when he turns up at your doorstep.
Best of all, I detail how I got paid $2m for the chance to win $100k for a charity that hasn’t gone tits up. I help you avoid the trap of simply settling for $1.9m and just giving that extra $100k away to the charity without them having to earn it first.
Then there’s a section of the book labelled ‘Are you thirsty mate?’.
Journos looking for a leg up on how to interview World Cup winners on the tele will get a kick out of that bit. I also share tips of how to discuss your favourite pizza toppings with ex Australian captains.
My favourite chapter is ‘Plastic Fantastic’.
In it, I share the phone numbers and addresses of my favourite surgeons. I also give you a login to Stephen Dank’s website, so you can order viles of Botox direct from the manufacturer.
It also includes a handy table to assist you with the complex balancing act of juggling outside temperature, humidity, the UV index and face melting points.
Finally, there’s a bit called ‘Bernard Tomic is a role model’.
Here you learn why slagging off Australian sporting heroes is a good idea. It’s a long chapter of about two paragraphs.
My book, “A Guide To Life” is available at all leading book retailers. 10% of what’s left over after I take my cut will go to the McGrath Foundation or my entry fee to the World Series of Poker.”
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