All of us at Dennis Does Cricket would like to give a big thank you to the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) for allowing us to use the transcript of their most recent forecast, predicting the first week of the Cricket World Cup. Accuracy cannot be guaranteed, but the following is undoubtedly the most precise forecast available. [Devon]
And now, before the news and sport, here is the Sledging Forecast issued by the Meteorological Forecast at 1400 hours Greenwich Mean Time.
New Zealand and Sri Lanka, Christchurch: light banter.
Australia and England, Melbourne: heavy abuse.
South Africa and Zimbabwe, Hamilton: occasional chat.
India and Pakistan, Adelaide: chance of c-bombs.
Ireland and West Indies, Nelson: infrequent diatribes.
New Zealand and Scotland, Dunedin: regular abusive crowd-taunts.
Afghanistan and Bangladesh, Canberra: potential racist invectives.
United Arab Emirates and Zimbabwe, Nelson: fine, with occasional repartee.
New Zealand and England, Wellington: consistent ‘Pommy Bastards’.
Pakistan and West Indies, Christchurch: occasional mockery.
Australia and Bangladesh, Brisbane: sporadic spectator chants.
EXTREME SLEDGING WARNINGS
We do have a few extreme weather sledging warnings, for Hurricane Warner and Cyclone Kohli.
Hurricane Warner, expected to arrive during the Australia versus England match on February 14, is going to bring a great volume of obscenities. All patrons are warned to keep a safe distance from Hurricane Warner, and television producers are being warned to keep tabs on stump microphone volumes.
- Expected to bring 140 cuss-per-hour profanities. Batsmen are at risk of being blown off their feet.
- Overly-eager sledging could bring up to 15 centimetres of saliva an hour, creating a flood risk.
- People are warned to stay outdoors; only those watching from indoors, on TV, are at risk of hearing Warner’s words through the stump microphone.
Cyclone Kohli arrived in Australian shores towards the end of 2013; but to date has created only small shitstorms, creating slight angst and controversy for the likes of Martin Crowe to rant about, but has so far caused no serious issues. Meteorologists warn that the full brunt of Cyclone Kohli’s wrath could emerge during the India and Pakistan match in Adelaide.
- Although not expected to bring the same volume of obscenities or profanities as Hurricane Warner, Cyclone Kohli could yet bring a plague of flipped birds to Australian shores.
- Bowlers who go too near Cyclone Kohli are at risk of being injured by sarcastic kisses being blown with great force.
- Although Cyclone Kohli can be deadly from close-range, from a distance the electrical storms produced are beautiful to watch. While eleven Pakistani citizens could be displaced by Cyclone Kohli, the spectators will be in for a spectacular show.