The ability for the average cricketer to earn a living after playing retirement is becoming narrower and narrower.
With Michael Stater having sewn up the “annoying past player” commentary role, what’s an Azhar Mahmood, Alviro Petersen or Bryce McGain to do?
Get a university degree? Stock shelves at the local supermarket? Promote air conditioners or hair loss treatment?
Don’t be ridiculous.
The only respectable option is to open a Cricketing Academy of course.
Like nipples, they all have them now.
Think of any random cricketer and their name will be on the gate of an Academy somewhere in the world.
So as a responsible parent, how do you chose between what they all have to offer?
Here’s A Parent’s Guide to selecting a Cricket Academy for their Kids
All of these academies are real
The Craig McDermott International Cricket Academy is truly global, with campuses in exotic destinations such as Ballina and Toowoomba. Want your child to learn cricket somewhere International but can’t afford to send them overseas? Then McDermott’s Cricket Academy may just be your answer.
Enroll your child this summer and dad will receive, absolutely free, a Gold Coast Real Estate for Beginners Course.
Off spinners who chuck their doosra are all the rage these days.
If your child is a sneaky tweaker, why settle for second best?
Mushtaq invented the doosra. Let him teach your kid how to throw the curve ball.
When one thinks of cricketing Mecca’s, we normally think of Dubai. Well I don’t, but KP does. The natural choice if you want your child sweltering in 45 degree heat during the day and eating biryani at night.
Also a natural home if your kid has dreams of becoming a Middle Eastern diamond merchant like Chris Cairns.
Thought Pankaj Singh was unlucky on debut? Well Bryce McGain’s 18 – 0 – 149 – 0 is still the world record, and who doesn’t want to have their child learn from a world record holder?
Also, if you child is a leg spinning sensation, what better place to go to learn to….ummm…. kick?
“…these specialist sessions provide an introduction to the game and also focus on the core areas of cricket – throwing, bowling, batting, fielding and catching.”
Is Alviro saying that “cricket – throwing” is a core element of the game? I thought we were trying to eradicate chucking from the game.
Also note that batting is only the third most important thing on the list. Alviro also ranks it third in terms of his personal skillset.
Who wouldn’t want to be trained by Boof? I mean, he is the current Australian coach and everyone loves him.
What is the downside?
Well firstly, you have to send your child to Adelaide.
Also, how credible is their marketing when Joe Root claims “It was pretty tough on the fitness….”
I’m not sure fitness and Lehmann are well bonded.
Great value for the family on a tight budget. Only David Warner and others lacking in basic negotiation concepts will pay full price here.
There’s a discount for early birds, siblings, new customers, co-operatives, multiple week bookings and groups.
Is the academy any good? I have no idea. But it is cheap!
I like this one and would feel comfortable sending my child here.
Mainly due to the fact that their website is one of the best of all the Academies. That and your child will be well fed.
Cricket’s Centre of Excellence for amazing hair.
“Improve your skills with expert tuition from …..cricketers including Ryan’s father Arnie ……”
Arnie’s stats, in case you were wondering are:
1 Test, Bowling Ave 65.00, Batting Ave 2.00
This is the course to choose if your kid likes doing homework.
You can also purchase a Mickey Arthur cap for $20. Merchandise sales are all the rage these days.
Who? He doesn’t even have a Cricinfo profile.
Is this some kind of scam?
Sign up today and get seven sessions for the price of one.
Yep! 7 for 1
The downside is that it is in Islamabad. Probably not the nicest of environments to send your 10 year old kid who has never been out of the Eastern Sydney suburbs.
These guys proudly claim to have three concrete wickets.
Good on them for having a go.
Parents should consider this option carefully. A trip to Grenada, although not cheap, is still a trip to Grenada. Stuff the kids. This cricket academy is one for mum and dad to enjoy. Who cares if your child comes back not being able to catch properly. You went to Grenada.
These guys promise to teach your kid that although match fixing is bad, claiming a catch that clearly hit the ground is probably ok. A course in how to write letters to the ICC that dob in your team mates is also included.
An off shoot of the Saqlain Mushtaq Cricket Academy.
Faisalabad is known as the “Manchester of Pakistan”.
I guess that means that if you want your kid to learn spin bowling in Manchester but can only afford Pakistan, this will have to do.
Richie’s Academy is based at the Sir Vivian Richards Stadium. Here you will learn how to play cricket right?
As Richie himself says,
“learn about the history of our cricketing greats such as Sir Viv, Andy Roberts, Richardson and Ambrose….. historical tours to Nelson’s Dockyard, Shirley Heights, Emancipation Center and the local museum. The popular Wadadli Cats circumnavigation cruise, a visit to Stingray City and a rainforest tour are also part of the package.”
So you will probably get to read a book on West Indian cricket and go on a boat cruise somewhere. Every kids cricketing dream!
The website boasts “Why not come along, have a drink, a bite to eat at the barbeque…”
This is truly great marketing focused squarely on the parents.
But what do the kids get?
“Each child……will receive a stamp which will be checked by the coaches.”
Sounds like the worst cricket academy of all time.
There’s something to be said about a bloke who turns down the English coaching job to enjoy life in the IPL.
Your child will learn about prioritisation and keeping away from losing environments.
This in itself is worth the coaching fees.
Sign your kid up now.
So popular is this one, that Google have it hidden on the 14th results page when you search for “Cricket Academy”.
That’s probably at Michael’s request to keep the waiting list down.
“THE MICHAEL CLARKE CRICKET ACADEMY IS A FIVE-DAY, LIVE-IN CAMP BASED ON MY PERSONAL TRAINING REGIME AND HOW I PREPARE BOTH ON AND OFF THE FIELD.”
Expect your child to learn how to have a bad back for life and break off his first engagement with a model
He had one, but it was banned.
Azhar Mahmood Cricket Academy
So fresh that it doesn’t even have a website yet.
Where is it? I don’t know.
What will he teach your kids about cricket? Hopefully how not to end up with a Test bowling average of over 35.
So there you have it.
Which of these Cricket Academies will you choose for your child, or are you waiting for the Jade Dernbach version?
- Dennis Does The World Cup: My essential guide to a very un-international international cricket tournament - June 2, 2019
- Dennis Does Pakistan – Full Documentary - April 14, 2019
- Dennis’ Unhelpful Guide To PSL4 - February 11, 2019
- Welcome to CBCTV - December 14, 2018
- A Critical Review of the 2018 PSL Draft - November 21, 2018