Some may say there’s two types of people in the world. Those who see everything as a glass half full, and those who see everything as a glass half empty.
Unfortunately, Australia’s national cricket team hasn’t brought much happiness in recent times, leading to many taking the pessimistic perspective rather than an optimistic one. If you think that has changed after an unconvincing four run T20 win last week, then you really need to revaluate your priories when it comes to the game. The first match of the T20 series meant so little to the Indian skipper that in the field and then at the crease, he chose to impersonate a local fifth grade player who’d been out on the piss since 4am the night before. It wasn’t until the third match where he thought he better pull his finger out and actually start the tour.
Let’s be honest, Test matches are where it’s at and with the series closely approaching, Australian fans have already begun contemplating what the end result could be. Some believe that Australia will wipe India off the park much like they did with the Poms last year. Others are already facing the reality of a smug Kohli holding the Border-Gavaskar trophy on Australian soil. So with the series closely approaching, lets summarise these altering views on all fourteen players in Australia’s test squad.
Tim Paine (C)
Optimist
Should head the list for inspiring athlete comebacks having contemplated retirement just over a year ago. Has been excellent with the gloves and effective with the bat, showcased by looking like ‘the wall’ Rahul Dravid in an inspiring match saving knock in the first test against Pakistan.
Pessimist
Unbeknown to him, I actually have one of his old bats and wielded it usefully during my short yet illustrious career. My goodness was that a good stick which makes me wonder why they haven’t seemed to work to well for him throughout the course of his career. His strike rate is one century every hundred first class appearances, meaning he might make another one if he plays until he’s 50! Played well to save the first test against Pakistan but in reality, my Nan, fresh off a hip replacement, could have stuck around for a few hours on that dead wicket. Also has an imposing record of seven losses, a draw and no victories as captain of the national team.
Mitch Marsh (VC)
Optimist
F**k me! I wouldn’t want to be an Indian fielder when this blokes crunching em’! Can hit the ball as hard as anyone and bowls handy mediums to relieve the main men of their duties.
Pessimist
The fact I wrote ‘VC’ next to this bloke’s name is perhaps the most vomit-inducing thing I’ve ever written. Briefly looked good in the Ashes last year before normal programming resumed and he went back to being rubbish. His bowling is tirelessly overrated by everyone but Australian fans, evident by the fact he averages over forty with the pill in hand.
Pat Cummins
Optimist
Absolute gun this guy! Can bowl, can bat, and is good in the field. Brilliant cricketer who can impact a cricket match even more so than Donald Trump can an election.
Pessimist
This bloke’s body is about as reliable as Australian Prime Minister’s and politics in general. Somehow got through all five Ashes matches last summer before subsequently breaking down again and missing much of 2018. Would rather back Paine or Marsh to make a ton above this bloke playing all four tests, really says a lot about all three players.
Aaron Finch
Optimist
Looking forward to this bloke bludgeoning hundreds much in the same way as Warner and Gilchrist. Has to be commended for making the transition from overweight to reasonably fit, something I’ve long tried but failed to do.
Pessimist
Played alright without starring against Pakistan but will have much more trouble back home. A dodgy technique against the hooping ball on lively pitches is to blame for a modest first class average.
Peter Handscomb
Optimist
Many of the greats like Ponting and Clarke stumbled after good starts to their career. Expect Handscomb to blossom into a legend like those two became.
Pessimist
What does this bloke and NBA player Markelle Fultz have in common? Well they’ve both literally forgot how to play the game in which they became professionals. For those non NBA fans, Fultz has gone from the number one overall pick to making a simple free throw look like bloody rocket science. Handscomb on the other hand has changed his batting technique completely, teaching youngsters that it’s alright to play half volleys off the backfoot. The beginning of his career was superb and then, seemingly out of nowhere, he looked like your non-sporty, uncoordinated cousin who picks up a bat once a year after Christmas lunch.
Marcus Harris
Optimist
I can’t remember a bloke being picked after such strong shield form. Don’t worry, he’ll take to test cricket like I take to a toilet bowl after a huge night out.
Pessimist
Coach Justin Langer labelled him mediocre just a few years ago, doesn’t fill you with total confidence does it?
Josh Hazlewood
Optimist
Australia are so lucky to have Glenn McGrath 2.0 just strolling in and making life incredibly difficult for any batsmen. His line and length would have to be more annoying for batsman than a buzzing fly on a hot 40 plus degree day.
Pessimist
I imagine this guy is always the first one in a groundsman’s ear about keeping a bit of grass on the strip. Very good player when the conditions suit but if there were an international bowler I’d like to face on a flat road then it would be Hazlewood.
Travis Head
Optimist
You have to be a superstar to captain your state at 21! At that age I still struggle to grow facial hair.
Pessimist
Reminds me of myself when I was a player, stodgy left hander who looks nothing short of average except for one or two good shots here and there.
Usman Khawaja
Optimist
Glorious, stylish and beautiful! Words I should be saying in reference to my missus not a cricketer.
Pessimist
Anything more frustrating than a bloke yet to deliver and put all the talent together? Looks pure class now and again (see 1st test v Pak), then other times looks lazy, disinterested and like he couldn’t care less.
Nathan Lyon
Optimist
Continually moving up Australia’s all time wicket takers and is more reliable than a Powerade curing a hangover.
Pessimist
Good player but severely overrated due to the sheer love and fanfare he gets from the whole country. Has a higher strike rate with the ball than Moeen Ali who I don’t particularly rate.
Shaun Marsh
Optimist
See Khawaja comment above Can score bigger than perhaps any other current Aussie batsman once he gets a start.
Pessimist
This guy’s luckier than all the bullshit work colleagues who somehow manage to pick a winner in the Melbourne Cup despite knowing jack shit! How many chances has he had now?
Peter Siddle
Optimist
Has to be an absolute captain’s favourite! Runs in all day with a bigger heart than Pharlap.
Pessimist
Peter Siddle’s got a hattrick on his Birthday! We all remember and love that moment in an otherwise forgettable Ashes series quite some time ago. We also remember it because it was the last time this banana bender ever did something good on the cricket field.
Mitchell Starc
Optimist
I’d rather sit through an entire series of keeping up with Kardashians then ever face up to this bloke with the new red rock in his hand.
Pessimist
Bowls fast but is more erratic than my old man after a few scotches! Perceived to be a gun but in reality, he averages nearly 30 with the ball whilst going at almost 3.5 runs per over. Not elite numbers in my book.
Chris Tremain
Optimist
Perhaps, along with Harris, the most qualified shield player to get picked for a while. Has taken poles for fun in the last couple of seasons and will relish any opportunity he may get.
Pessimist
Classic case of an inbetweener. Numbers suggest he’s too good for Shield level but he’ll be about as useful at test level as Bryce McGain. Played 4 ODI’s in 2016 for an average of over 35 and an economy rate well over six. Won’t get a look in unless one of the other blokes get injured which I dare say is probable.
