An open letter to Dennis Lillee

Morning Dennis.

I was going to send this letter to you directly, but given you have quit being a coach at Cricket Australia, I have no idea how to reach you.

So an open letter it is.

Not open in the sense that it is married and plays with other letters, say like French ones, but open in the sense that anyone can read it.

Let me start by congratulating you on a great first name. Us Dennis’ with two “N’s” need to stick together. We are the remnants of poor choices made by our parents. That makes us tough. For example, I have a slight sniffle at the moment, but have chosen to ride the train to work like a man and without fear of the runny noses or headaches that are coming.

Anyhow, I want to talk about your coaching, or rather, your lack of it.

As I see it, you are the Dennis responsible for the turnaround in Mitchell Johnson’s fortunes. Some mistake it as me, given I serenaded him with musical therapy to the tune of “He bowls to the left”. However, I’m happy to publicly concede it was you.

You took his long run up, shortened it, and then explained that the ball either needs to hit the batsman’s stumps, his face or “break his effing arm”.

Mitch took this on board and delivered. He tore up India in the 2013 ODI series played over there, ate up the English during the Ashes and bowled Australia to the number one spot in South Africa.

The problem I have now Dennis (you Dennis, not me Dennis) is that you have quit being a part time bowling coach under Craig McDermott over a bit of coin.

I could understand the issue if you were a true part time coach. You know. The guy that works 20 hours a week, has Friday’s off to look after the kids and randomly brought some baked goods in for us all to share.

But you are not that part timer.

I’ve checked with Marge, who runs Cricket Australia’s payroll,  and you only worked 11 hours last year. Not 11 hours a week, but 11 hours total out of the 8736 hours available to you.

That’s 0.12% of the time that you were on the clock.

Now Dennis (you Dennis, not me Dennis), a number of questions come to mind.

– How much impact can one man have in 11 hours?
– If that impact is akin to Godzilla’s on Tokyo, then how much are those hours worth in monetary terms?
– If you were underpaid, how much more would you like per hour?
– Let’s assume the gap is maybe $50 per hour. Are you telling me that for 11 hours x $50, you have deserted your country? (That’s $550 for those that need help).

Dennis, I will personally write you the cheque, or transfer via Western Union, the $550 to keep you on board. I will hand deliver it in 5c pieces if that is what it takes?

There has to be more to this, as surely you have sold enough Steel Blue Workboots to remain financially comfortable at this stage in life?

Please tell us why you have walked away. Why have you abandoned Mitch, Cummins , Pattinson and Starc just as they are getting good?

Is it that you really just wanted that 11 hours back per year to play golf with Punter?

I look forward to your speedy reply back before this letter goes viral and embarrasses you into submission.

Yours Sincerely

Dennis (me Dennis, not you Dennis) Freedman

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