Wah gwaan angry peoples?
I’ve just realised that people actually give a damn that I have chosen to play in the IPL final, rather than play 3 tests against New Zealand.
There’s a few reasons why this makes total sense. Given the cricket world has gone into a bigger meltdown than MS Dhoni after an IPL loss, let me explain.
Firstly man, I’m on holiday. I know I’m from Antigua, but with all those American tourists taking over the place, I’ll do anything to get out of there.
So going back home for a Test series makes no sense. It’s better for me to stay here a while, chuck 24 balls down in one more match, and then run off to Goa for some chillax time.
Speaking of chucking, I get paid a lot of money to do just that. I mean, who wants all those Test cricket commentators picking apart your action over after over? It’s far better for me to do it in India. Srinivasan said it was fine. “Do what you like” he said. He said he’ll put on extra dancing girls for the final to help distract Danny Morrison from talking about my action.
Do you know how much I will get paid to play in this game by Kolkata Knight Riders? Heaps man! Heaps!
Do you know how much the West Indies Cricket Board will pay me to sweat in out in 3 Tests against New Zealand? Two goats. Two bloody goats and a bottle of Captain Morgan’s spiced rum.
Plus, they want me to go home for a week and train before the Tests. Are you serious man? Why should I be fit and slog it out when I can play in a competition with fatties like Sehwag and make heaps? Heaps man. Heaps!
Also, the Kolkata Knight Riders promised me a visit from David Hasselhoff and KITT if I played in the final.
Old timers have come out swinging against me.
Truth is man, how can I be a patriot? The West Indies isn’t even a country. It’s like being shitty because I turned down a game for the Barbarians or the English cricket team. They don’t really represent any place that I know. They are just a mix of random nationalities, like the West Indies.
I’ll come back for the T20’s in July. It’s so much easier. You also get to wear coloured clothing. Bling. Bling is important man.
It’s not the end of Test cricket. I just couldn’t be bothered playing against a crap team, with no one watching, when I can earn heaps for one match. Heaps!
Just consider that I’m being rested.
So to sum it up, its about the money and effort.
Lots of money. Not lots of effort.
- Dennis Does The World Cup: My essential guide to a very un-international international cricket tournament - June 2, 2019
- Dennis Does Pakistan – Full Documentary - April 14, 2019
- Dennis’ Unhelpful Guide To PSL4 - February 11, 2019
- Welcome to CBCTV - December 14, 2018
- A Critical Review of the 2018 PSL Draft - November 21, 2018