My application to be ICC Chairman

Dear ICC Board,

My name is Dennis Freedman and I wish to apply for the role of ICC Chairman. I have always had a healthy respect for the International Criminal Court.

I note that although the role is yet to be advertised, it likely will be in the coming weeks. Who knew your Chairman Elect was a conflicted protector of self interest?

Anyhow, I feel like I am well qualified for the role.

Firstly,  I think you want someone who likes to get into bed with Indians. I have a proven track record in this regard. Well not Indians as in plural, but once, after a big night out in Melbourne I picked up this student from Gujarat. It was a girl. She had a copy of the karma sutra and, well, let’s leave it there.

Also,  I am not an ex Australian Prime Minister. Therefore, unlike John Howard, the Indians won’t object.

I have managed a 7 Eleven franchise. I used to eat Mars bars without paying but given I made a bigger contribution to the store than anyone else, I deserved it. The store closed due to theft issues. I believe our values are therefore in alignment.

I believe in globalisation of Cricket. Just like Russia is doing to Crimea, I agree that India should annex world cricket. Let’s get serious here. Everyone deserves better chai.

I have natural advantages over other candidates. Firstly, you already have a DRS in place. As President, I would not need to reinvent the wheel. Dennis Review Systems are difficult to implement.

Also, I can spell Laxman Sivaramakrishnan. Try doing that on a BlackBerry without errors. I’ve done it.

Finally, I am willing to wear bad fitting double breasted suits. From seeing Giles Clarke, it appears this is the uniform of the ICC?

So please contact me via my website that may or may not already be linking to your copyrighted content.

Yours sincerely

Dennis Freedman
Chairman in waitingFollow @denniscricket_