Let Me Teach You How Not To Sell

One of the joys of running a sports website is that gambling companies view you as a natural fit for their filth.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve been approached by these leeches, hiding behind promotional companies, offering me unbelievable riches to help them.

Usually, they offer to write an article “written and designed in-house by our experienced content team” and that it will be “well suited to your audience and in keeping with the existing tone of the site”.

Here, take a look at the latest one I received below by some bloke called Elliot:

Now Elliot, if your in-house team was “experienced” or any good, I can guarantee that they wouldn’t be writing for an on-line bookie or a 3rd party introduction agency. I’m also pretty certain that if you are targeting successful sporting websites, that they already have a pretty good track record of producing bloody good content.

Secondly, do you really have any idea about the “existing tone” of my site?

You claim you do.

But will you write me an article about James Overratedson with more passion than I can? Can you produce an Alastair Cook Ashes Century Clock? Have you ever published letters from Chris Cairns’ lawyers threatening to sue you? When did you guys last do a podcast with Adam Gilchrist and ask him about female sanitary products?

Most importantly, and I need you to concentrate here…….have your ever written articles condemning gambling in sport?

Because I have.

Now, I don’t know too much about salesmanship. I’ve only probably logged about $1 billion in revenues over my career. Not much really.

But what I have learned over the journey is it is probably worth the effort to try and understand your audience before telling them that you know more about them than they do.

Anyhow, not wanting to be rude and ignore this amazing piece of spam, I did the honourable thing and replied to you:

Short. Sharp. To the point. A very clear point.

Gambling can get fucked as far as I’m concerned. It is a cancer and has no place in sport. We’ve lived with cigarette money. We can live without gambling money.

For example, I don’t see Pakistani cricket living off any of these. They also reject alcohol money.

Any arguments that sport needs these to survive are utter bullshit and propaganda that deserves to be printed in Pravda. Cricket Australia are great at selling this crap. Read the piece I linked above to understand why.

Anyhow Elliot, I wrongly assumed that you were at least semi intelligent. I was wrong.

Here is your reply:

Elliot, you have to be the worst salesperson I’ve ever come across. Not only are you trying to sell a staunch anti-gambler a gambling product, you’ve now written a reply to me that has no relation to my objection.

None. Ziltch.

I couldn’t give a rat’s tossbag about Google rankings for Dennis Does Cricket. That’s not why it exists. I also couldn’t give a shit how many other “bloggers” you do this with. Again, if you had done your research and understood how I play, you would have worked out long ago that I’m not like other “bloggers”. None of us are alike.

Your statement is condescending against anyone who has taken the time and made the effort to create a website.

Elliot, listen here. No, get closer. Place your ear right up against the screen. I don’t want you to miss what I’m about to say. I assume you understand English, although your emails give me doubts. Anyhow, here it is:

My 9 year old son and I were watching some TV on the weekend together. A gambling advertisement came on. He asked me to explain how odds worked.

If you think that there is any positive in this experience for either my daughter or I, then you are possibly not very good at being a human. But then again, maybe you work for Cricket Australia and can see massive benefits in having 20 official gambling partners. Go work for them mate. They seem to be a decent organisation.

In summary Elliot, before you send cold call emails telling your targets what you can offer, perhaps take the time to understand them a little. You might find you get a better success rate?

Secondly, when they tell you to fuck off in a polite manner, don’t send a pro-forma reply that addresses something totally irrelevant to their concerns. It makes you look like an idiot.

You’re not an idiot though are you Elliot?

I mean, you work on behalf of an online bookmaker, are surrounded by experienced content writers and get to send spam about your services to anti-gambling proponents.

Living the dream. ICS-Digital must be glad to have you, although I couldn’t find your picture on their website?

Maybe they don’t value your skills either?Follow @denniscricket_