Dear Supreme Leader Kim Jong Thakur,
My name is Ravi Shastri and I wish to humbly apply for the advertised role of Head Coach of the Indian national cricket team.
Actually, if I’m entirely honest with you, I can’t find the advertisement anywhere. However, I’ve read an article about it in The Hindustan, so let’s just assume I’ve seen it. You really should put it up on your website.
My credentials are without peer if your selection criteria exactly match my credentials.
I currently hold the position of Director of Cricket. This is not to be confused with the English role of “Director, English Cricket”. My role doesn’t have one of those fancy commas. Can I get one?
Anyhow, in my current role, you pay me the equivalent of USD $1m per year. Speaking frankly, that’s probably my biggest achievement since taking it on.
I’ve guided many a curator on how to ruin Test match cricket. I’ve led India to an early ICC World T20 exit at home and have ensured that Ravi Jadeja has refrained from being shoved by overrated swing bowlers while touring overseas.
I’m very useful on the microphone, inventing many sayings including referring anything that travels quickly as “going like a tracer bullet”. I am not exactly sure what a tracer bullet is, however, I am certain that it goes fast. That’s my international coaching intuition at work. Right there. You should bottle it. “Eau de Shastri”. Now there’s an idea.
I am yet to disclose any relationship with India Cements. Therefore, until I do, I am not in any conflict of interest scenario.
I believe that the Indian Supreme Court is wrong whenever they tell the BCCI that it is wrong. However, I am happy to believe whatever it is that you need me to take a personal stance on.
There may be coaches out there with more experience, but consider the pitfalls.
Australian coaches want to disrespect Sachin so that rules out Moody, Law, Gillespie and Warne.
Pakistani coaches can’t get a visa unless they are attached to an IPL team.
English coaches keep getting sacked.
The only good South African coach is now in Islamabad.
So considering all of this, it is clear that I am your existing, but also new Head Coach.
Also, did I mention I have the requisite licence to drive the team bus?
Looking forward to your positive reply and my next exorbitant pay cheque.