Virat bloody Kohli. He sledges like an Aussie, so much so he could probably earn an honorary place in our team.
But in his latest outing, he let his bat do all the talking. It was a lethal conversation, at the end of which Australia was no longer in the World Twenty20.
Since then, we’ve been trolled by the subcontinent. Live by the sword…
Okay Google, Where is Australia?
Google- now at airport.#IndvsAus
— Bharat Mata Ki Jai (@zzoker) March 27, 2016
To be honest, we looked pedestrian for most of the tournament. Even the match against Bangladesh turned into a contest.
Still, it’s embarrassing not to make it to the knock out stages when the likes of England and New Zealand did. Not to mention the West Indies, where cricket has been in such disarray they’re flat out fielding a team these days.
Bearing all this in mind, it’s good to be prepared for any hecklers lurking around the photocopying machine when you return to the office after the Easter break.
So here are six responses to help you manage the fallout from our World Twenty20 exit.
1: Channel Taylor Swift
Go all Taytay on your heckler and shake it off. Look them in the eye and ask: What World Twenty20? Try to stop short of donning the tutu.
OK, this is the most difficult response to execute. You’ll need to summon all of your acting prowess and pretend there are much more important things on your mind than a cricket contest.
Or you can say you spent the entire weekend in a sugar coma. Which is at least plausible.
2: The scoff
Use this approach to deride the World Twenty20.
It’s hit and giggle cricket. Cricket lite. Snapchat cricket. No one takes it seriously. People only play it for the money. If it’s glory they’re after, they go for the longer forms of the game.
Remind your heckler who currently leads the world rankings in the Test and one-day formats. I think you can guess who that is.
3: Play the sexual discrimination card
Enjoy the view from the moral high ground. Point out that Australia remains very much a part of the World Twenty20, with the Southern Stars having claimed their spot in the semi-finals.
Shame your heckler for their abject dismissal of the women’s game.
Enjoy the view from the moral high ground.
4: Change it up
Change the conversation. Talk golf. Where not even back spasms could stop Jason Day from claiming the world number one spot.
Talk politics if you have to. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
5: Fake bilingual aphasia
Pretend you experienced a trauma over the weekend that resulted in a short-lived coma, from which you awoke speaking another language.
There are enough documented cases of this not to arouse suspicion.
Just remember to communicate all this to your heckler in hand gestures and not the English you are no longer supposed to be able to speak.
Let out a big cheer and shout: “Woo hoo. No more Shane Watson.” See, there’s a silver lining to every cloud.Follow @denniscricket_