We, The ICC, are the world body in charge of cricket. Actually, to be truthful, India is in charge of world cricket, but what credibility does a world sporting body have if not governed by an acronym?
We at the ICC live the mantra ‘Fans come First’. By live, we mean it probably appears in a report that a consultant gave to us.
To test how we are going against that mantra, we have devised this simple survey for you to complete.
Thank you in advance for your participation.
A) How satisfied are you with the ICC?
1. Satisfied
2. Extremely satisfied
3. Satisfaction overload
4. More satisfied than Lou Vincent being showered in brown paper bags full of rupees.
B) In your opinion, who is the most respected person in Cricket?
1. Srinivasan
2. Srinivasan
3. Srinivasan
4. Jade Dernbach
C) How do you watch international cricket?
1. Illegal streaming
2. Illegal streaming but you pretend it’s legal
3. Read Michael Vaughan’s tweets
D) What is a reasonable price to pay for warm mid strength beer at the MCG?
1. $9.50
2. $19.50 plus $4.50 for a cardboard carry tray
3. Steal it from the outlet
4. Steal it from the guy sitting next to you
E) Should all countries adopt the DRS
1) Yes, wait…does that include India?
F) Who should conduct BCCI internal corruption investigations?
1) A commentator on the BCCI payroll
2) An ex Indian captain on the BCCI payroll
3) Ravi Shastri
4) Sunny Gavaskar
G) What’s your favourite format of the game?
1) IPL
2) CPL
3) Xbox cricket
H) How do we make Test cricket better?
1) Let Glenn Maxwell play more
2) Ban Pakistan
3) Have Chris Gayle’s one night stands do a lap of honour during the lunch break
4) Increase how much you hear of Michael Slater’s commentary
I) What attracts you to cricket?
1) The England coaching setup
2) Imran Tahir’s World Records
3) Shane Warne’s dating tips
4) Funny names like ‘de Kock’
J) If the ICC were to adopt a flag, what should it be?
1) Something like the Indian flag
2) Ah stuff it. Just use the Indian flag
3) That old USSR one was cool
4) What does the ISIL one look like again?
K) Whose book was better?
1) KP’s. It told the truth
2) Sachin’s. I like fiction.
L) What should we do with match fixers?
1) They are not match fixers. They are ‘enthusiasts’
2) Let them play in domestic competitions
3) Let them run the ICC
M) Which bowler should we ban next?
1) Ban a Aussie. Mitch would be nice. Please?
2) Imran Tahir. He is just crap
3) Alastair Cook
N) What’s your favourite type of dancer?
1) This one:
2) This one:
3) This one:
N) Why do you care about us?
1) Srinivasan pays my family to remain silent about his secret cement exports to Iran.
2) Dad is the janitor at ICC headquarters in Dubai. He needs to keep his job.
3) I don’t really. You just sent me this survey in the mail. I thought I might win something if I completed it
There’s something wrong with this questionnaire; the correct answer is always 1. That means that after the 5th question, you don’t even have to consider the options. It’s 1s all the way down.