After holding on for a courageous draw in the first Test against India, England are now pushing for the final four matches to be declared null and void.
“The Indians have cheated.” protested Alastair Cook.
“Down in Australia, Faf du Plessis is using lollies to make the ball swing, but what India have done is much worse. It’s gamesmanship at its worst. Horrible stuff.”
When asked to elaborate as to what he was talking about, Cook looked seriously distressed.
“Never before have I seen a team deliberately let a dog loose on the pitch.
Not only was it distracting, but the hound released it bowels right where I field at first slip.
That’s just disgusting and uncalled for.
Ok, I accept that we once urinated on the pitch after a Test match win against the Aussies, but human excrement is much more palletable than that from dogs. There’s a clear difference.
It wouldn’t surprise me if that dog was some kind of remote controlled drone robot. India have no class.
If this is how they want to compete, then we want no part in it.”
Harsha Bhogle, intern journalist at some website start up asked Cook if this was just a ruse to avoid a 4-0 series defeat?
“Are you kidding me? We held on for a 1-1 draw against Bangladesh. We were only 22 runs away from it being a 2 – nil loss. That proves that we are fighters.
But they didn’t use dogs because they take dog incidents seriously.
It is obviously clear that the only acceptable course of action is to make this series null and void.
The records should be wiped clean, as should that area at first slip. Hopefully with some really strong antibacterial disinfectant. “