Dennis Answers Your Cricket Questions

Thanks to all for the amazing response on social media when I asked for your questions. Over 100 submissions were received across the multiple platforms, so I apologise that I couldn’t get to them all.

If you want to leave me a question, do so via:

Twitter: @DennisCricket_
Facebook: Facebook.com/DennisDoesCricket
Email: [email protected]

Ok, let’s do this!

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Why is Warnie single? – Tejas Jani via Facebook

For someone that has mastered internet dating and plastic surgery, that Shane is single in this day and age is an indictment on women everywhere.

I mean, he has demonstrated that he has everything a woman wants.

He can commit for at least 3 hours, he’s the shy and retiring type, plus he’s a convicted drug cheat. What else is there in life?

I don’t think Kohli is the best batsman in the world. Does that make me racist? – Gavin Fitzgerald via Facebook

I’ve checked with the political correctness crowd.

The answer is yes. You are clearly racist.

David Boon or Arjuna Ranatunga? – Muhammad Farhan via Facebook

This one is hard without any context.

If I needed a Minister of Ports, I’d probably go Arjuna based on his experience.

If I had to spend a flight from Sydney to London drinking port, then Boonie gets the nod.

As well as “centrally contracted” players, England have “incrementally contracted” players. Did their kit shrink in the wash? – @chrisps01 via Twitter

By using the word “shrink”, are you attempting to lure me into a joke about James Taylor? That’s poor form. You should be ashamed.

How does reverse swing work? With formulas if possible. – @AnthCondon via Twitter

I’ve never understood this. Surely the reverse of swing is to not swing? If that holds true, then the secret to reverse swing is to give the ball to Peter Siddle.

In a formula that reads S=(xY) x B, where S=Siddle, x=%, Y=Swing and B=Ball. For clarity, x is actually a constant of 0.

Do you rate Shoaib Malik, Dennis? Some nice words about him needed – @MainManMalik via Twitter

I rate his ability to divorce wives via text message. He is world class in that regard.

He has also stood me up four times for an interview on the “Can’t Bowl Can’t Throw” podcast. Therefore, I also rate his ability to respect his time more than mine.

You’re a lobster. You’re going to a fine dining human restaurant. Which cricketer would you eat? – @KennellyPeter via Twitter

Firstly, I’m not a lobster. Of this, I am sure.

But if I was a lobster, and was heading for a night out in a fine dining human restaurant, I’d want to know what type of cuisine we are having?

Is it Modern Australian? East Asian? Indian? African? Vegetarian? Buffet? Is there even such a thing as a fine dining buffet? If not, we should create it. It would be the most wonderful thing ever.

But I’d probably order a dozen unshucked natural Ellyse Perry’s as a starter. For main, it would have to be the buttery goodness of a medium rare cooked piece of Tahir Shah rump. For dessert, perhaps something a little indulgent? Let’s go with a Chris Gayle ice-cream sundae.

Should I listen to my doctor when he says there’s no cure for my Steve Smith addiction? – @alec_everlone via Twitter

What type of addiction is it? Like a Peeping Tom type addiction? Or is it one where you rummage through his rubbish?

I think you should hand yourself in to the police.

Would you do a Pakistani sex tape? – @ReurrectedEvil via Twitter

Who wouldn’t? I even have a working title.

“Dennis Does LaWhore”

Why hasn’t Micky Arthur resigned as Pakistan coach as yet? What’s taking so long? – @whacd via Twitter

The official resignation form is in Urdu. You can therefore understand his struggles.

Who is the better James Anderson? James Anderson or Corey (James) Anderson? – @CricketFanBob via Twitter

How did I not know that there where two James Andersons currently playing international cricket? This is the greatest thing ever!

Anyhow, to solve this riddle, we should turn to statistics. They never lie.

Corey averages 32 with the bat in Test cricket. James only 10.

Therefore, Corey is over 3 times a better Anderson than that other James.

If they played cricket in Mexico, would James Anderson’s name be pronounced ‘Hamez Anderson’? – @MickNeven via Twitter

I’m sure they already play cricket in Mexico. Isn’t the pinata a training aid for facing the bouncer?

In any case, James Anderson’s name in Spanish is pronounced “Jimenez Overratedson”

Why don’t the Indian Premier League and the Hong Kong T20 blitz merge to create one big T20 competition? – @OliverSims1 via Twitter

This is an insightful question.

With Michael Clarke joining the Hong Kong T20 league, it can’t possibly get any bigger.

However, merging it with the IPL is giving the Indian league a free kick that I am not sure it deserves.

Highest achieving drug & betting cheat XI? – via some guy called Tim Rutter who yelled at me across the street.

Salman Butt
Herschelle Gibbs
Mohammad Azharuddin
Hansie Cronje
Salim Malik
Mark Waugh
Marlon Samuels
Rod Marsh
Shane Warne
Mohammed Amir
Shoaib Akhtar

12th man: Lou Vincent
Coach: Wasim Akram
Team Manager: Chris Cairns
Commentators: Ian Botham & Phil Tufnell

How much would cricket change if Donald Trump was the head of the ICC? – @NickTheStatsGuy via Twitter

Given the ICC is already deeply right wing conservative, flush with cash, full of people with hair pieces and racist, I’m not sure that anything would change.

What is the best thing about the IPL? – @thirdteamplayer via Twitter

That with a little bit of hard work and polish, it can one day be held in the same esteem as the Pakistan Super League.

Why is there a “D” in fridge but not refrigerator? – @MRFindlay24 via Twitter

It’s time to end this. You are just being silly.

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