Cook Reveals His KPI’s

After yet another innings where he failed to make a century, English captain Alastair Cook has revealed how the ECB will rate his performances going forward.

“I appreciate that that it is essentially two years since I have made a Test match hundred.

However, after looking at the data with coach Peter Moores, we have agreed on a better set of measures that will more accurately judge my performances as English skipper.”

Cook went on to explain how it all works.

“After Stuart Broad’s sister showed me video of my batting being relatively crap, it was evident that hundreds would be a poor way to help me look good in the eyes of the public.

So the ECB and I have agreed some new KPI’s that should make it easier for us both to save face.

These KPI’s are:

• How many times I pass 30 and someone from the Telegraph writes that my ‘shape’ has returned.
• Only dropping one catch per match
• How often I bowl Joe Root when I have four seamers in the side
• A ‘Kevin Pietersen selection question deflection quotient’ of greater than 0.63
• Losing the Ashes no worse than 0-5
• Maintaining the quality of the plumb in spoken words
• Whether I can remain in the right kind of family
• Spending more than £100 per week on groceries at Waitrose
• Maintaining a batting average over the preceding two years in the 30’s”

Cook went on further to explain that there was a multitude of non cricketing targets in an effort to give him a chance to succeed.

“As a professional sportsman, who in their right mind would want to be judged soley on how they perform in the field.

That’s madness.”

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