Channel Nine Issue an Expression of Interest to Replace Richie Benaud

06/01/2015

Brad McNamara,

Executive Director of Cricket

Channel Nine

Position:  Channel 9 cricket Commentary team member

Dear Mr McNamara,

I am responding to the advertisement placed in the January edition of Picture Premium, in regards to the vacancy in the Channel Nine cricket Commentary team following Richie Benaud’s retirement to fulfil his Aussie lamb ambassadorial role commitments.

I would appreciate the opportunity to submit my curriculum vitae and answer the selection criteria on point.

I understand that the following 12 months will be integral for Channel Nine cricket in the quest to continue alienating true cricket fans by making the coverage a wishy washy blend of reality TV and snuff films.

I have outlined the proposed criteria below.

Channel Nine places a great importance in reaching a large cross section of the TV audience. Please expand on how you would adjust your tone to appropriately suit different markets, especially the female audience?

I see Channel Nine as a leader in this field.

I have taken a ‘Sexual harassment in the workplace’ course and feel that I can confidently put those skills to good use. I have learnt a lot just by watching your current team and how they operate.

I took special notice when the Southern Stars captain Meg Lanning was invited up to the box during a T20 match last year. She must have been thrilled to have her chance to promote the women’s game, only to have Mr’s Brayshaw, Healy and Taylor jump all over the top of her answers, subsequently denying her the right to speak.

The only time she was allowed to articulate a full answer was when Brayshaw asked her about the tan lines on her arms.

It was a great lesson in humility.

I am sure that that particular 20 minutes did wonders towards gaining the attention of the female market. I would relish the opportunity to build on this strong inclusive culture

As you would be aware, each commentator has his unique style of delivery. How would you add balance to the call if you were partnered up with the following members?

Shane Warne:

Shane is an absolute master of the game and as such, is a complete narcissist. I would add balance to our on screen time by shifting every question towards him. This will enable him to successfully spoon feed his current manifesto to the unsuspecting viewership.

I have noticed that he is particularly fond of talking about the following; Baked beans, smokes, Tinder, Twitter, his best mate Michael Clarke,  the benefit of positive body language, and of course his hatred of John Buchanan.

Michael Slater:

Michael Slater, the ex-fire brand opener is cut from a similar cloth to SK Warne. I would endeavour to keep things flowing during our stints by steering the call towards the story of the tattoo based on his test number. We can also address his other well-known endeavours, such as his pride at being one of the ‘Julio’s’ and his fondness for Bon Jovi.

James Brayshaw:

James has already nailed down the yobbo audience and gives footy fans an outlet during summer.

I would try to add balance by not directly barracking for the Aussie team during the call and acknowledging the great play of the opposition. I will also praise not just those who play for the Renegades.

Ian Chappell:

Ian is a champion for all those guys out there who didn’t quite make it or resent the way things are done now.

His snipping antics and all round pessimism make it hard for the rest of us to believe that he was at the forefront of World Series cricket, which mind you, was possibly the best thing that ever happened to this game.

I would be willing to bet a week’s wages that the cantankerous former captain keeps his toe nail clippings in jars under his bed. In short I would keep all conversation between the flags to keep him interested (the years between Ian Redpath and Ian Meckiff).

If that fails, he loves to denigrate the opposing skippers captaincy decisions. I believe he calls this the ‘MS Dhoni get out clause’.

Mark Taylor:

Mark is following in the foot-steps of his mentor Ian Chappell and is just as sour at how quickly the game is making his career seem irrelevant.

He has a hatred for the switch hit, bigger bats and smaller boundaries.

I see the way to redirect Mark is by bringing up his seasonal pet player. Last year during the ashes it was Michael Carberry and in particular his speed across the field. Not a session would go by without him bringing it up.  The other conversational point to talk with ‘Tubby’ about is anything to do with the current game being inferior compared to the days when he waddled around.

The Commentary box can be a hectic place and a highly stressful environment. How would you overcome any issues that may come up during the day to day operations?

I would try my utmost to keep a steady head and ensure that I knew which channel Nine cricket segment (eg KFC Classic Catches), or which cross promoted Channel Nine show would feature in the next segment (The Block: Ground Zero or the new action packed drama series Amanda Vanstone: Italian Ambassador).

If all else failed I would follow the example of the current team and ignore the cricket and just play the man.

Finally, what do you see as your perceived weakness?

I am one of the biggest cricket fans going around and my knowledge of the game is unsurpassed. I have never gotten a Johnnie Walker trivia question wrong!

My weakness lies with my voice. It is a mixture of Steve Urkel and the pimply faced teen from the Simpsons. I do not see this as a massive hurdle as with the invention of auto tune, any fool can sound great.

And if we are going to be really honest here Mr McNamara, everyone watches Channel Nine cricket on mute and listens to ABC Grandstand with the 5 second delay.

In closing, I really do appreciate this opportunity and would like to talk further in an interview setting and chat about your days with ‘Six and out’.

I would value the chance to usher in the new era of Australian cricket, especially Day/Night Test matches (and constantly bang on about how Chris Rogers won’t be able to play because he is colour blind).

Yours in anticipation,

Bryant Howie

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