A Case Study in How Not to Serenade the World Cup

World Cups.

They kind of resemble trophy girlfriends.

If you are a good looking rooster, it is expected that you have had at least one under your arm during your dating career. Hopefully you have one under your arm right now.

However, they will only be a girlfriend. Never a wife. They have no loyalty. At four years they get itchy feet.

I know of a bloke called Australia who dated one for almost 12 years. But even after all that time, she eloped with some fella called India. Or was it a girl? Isn’t India a female name? Who knows?

The West Indies have dated some stunners in their time, but they would all be getting a little long in the tooth now. It was a while back.

Pakistan and Sri Lanka either got one drunk or spiked their drink on different nights and scored. She won’t fall for that again.

India currently hold the hand of a Bollywood starlet. Nonetheless, it appears like that she is about to break up with him.

However, the hot blonde with the cherry red lipstick, long legs and knee high boots has shunned all advances from South Africa over the years.

It’s not entirely clear why.

South Africans are clever, handsome and athletic. They win lots of things. They give us alpha males that we all look up to. Donald, Fanie, Kluesner, Amla, ABdV, Steyn, Kallis and Imran Tahir.

Ok, maybe not Tahir, but there is a market for everything right?

Where have South Africa gone wrong?

Let’s review their dating history.

1992 Sydney

South Africa had just returned to the world of romantic pursuits. Their favourite night club had banned them for being naughty, but were willing to let them back in.

This particular evening looked to be going so well for the men in green.

The venue was perfect. Views of the Sydney Harbour Bridge would have delighted their guest. The conversation was flowing, and although a horde of Englishmen were trying to cut in on the dance floor, our South African hero well under control.

However, taking a date to an outdoor venue is full of risk.

On this particular night, that thug Mr Rain decided to gatecrash. Duckworth and Lewis, now the world’s premier doormen, were still unknown to the South Africans and therefore, were not present to protect them.

Mr Rain’s interference saw the Englishmen steal the girl. Well, at least they organised a second date where she rejected her conquerors of that night and bedded the Pakistanis instead.

1999 Edgbaston

This social engagement only occurred because Herschelle Gibbs had made a rookie error a few days earlier.

On the group date, he purposefully flayed his bat in an effort to seduce the beauty. He was like a peacock showcasing his feathers.

101 runs later and South Africa had 271 on the board. A massive performance.

However, when challenger Steve Waugh made it to the dance floor, Gibbs carelessly dropped his combatant’s drink. The replacement he had to buy him gave Australia enough time to win the dance off. Had that not occurred, Australia would have been sent home.

In the dancing competition semi final, the two teams met again.

It was a tight contest. The World Cup heiress was torn between whom to give a second chance. South Africa asked the pair of Donald and Kluesner to execute just a single move with 4 balls remaining.

Somehow, the klutzes goofed it.

The hot blonde would follow the bronzed Aussies home and stay with him for some time.

2011 Dhaka

This was the year South Africa was meant to get the girl.

No more falling over. No more stuttering over words. No more spilling the spaghetti sauce all over your white shirt.

Their challenger was the pale and freckly kid from New Zealand.

They had only ever dated frumpy librarians. Surely the most coveted cricketing super model was out of their league?

Well, it was.

But before the Kiwi’s failed, they brought down the South Africans with a quick one, two jab. Where did this display of manliness come from? No one knows. But it did.

Ryder, a slightly overweight kid who had little experience in chasing quality ladies, made an impressive 83. The prized target was impressed.

Jacob Oram made the ball perform tricks never seen before in Bangladesh. Four times he confused and dazzled his better presented foe.

New Zealand would rouse her intrigue on this day. In the end, neither would manage to seduce her quite enough.

So will 2015 be another South African romantic comedy?

The guys from south of Botswana will hope it’s more like 50 Shades of Grey.

Reproduced with permission at First Post SportsFollow @denniscricket_