Hi kids and welcome to Billy Bowden’s Umpiring Academy.
We will prepare you with everything you need a one be a world class… well a good….well, an umpire.
But first, let’s check off the entrance criteria.
You must be meet 80% of the following:
– Do people refer to you by a nickname?
– Have you ever done something, although clearly not qualified?
– Do you come from a smaller cricketing nation?
– Do you like standing in the sun in long pants and shirt all day
– Can you hold both hands in the air like this?
– Can you read a clock?
– Can you flick off bails?
Ok, that wasn’t too hard now, was it?
To be a great umpire, well, an umpire, you probably should know the rules.
Actually, it’s not mandatory.
So let’s move onto the next stage.
Please answer the following questions:
1) If the ball hits the bat and then thumps into the pad:
- give it out
- see above. It’s the only option.
2) If the ball hits the pad plumb in front and misses the bat:
- shake your head
- shake your head and make an “oooh, that was close” look
- give it as runs
3) In a World Cup Final with only 2 overs left and a clear winner exists:
- ignore the playing conditions
- call off the match
- Use Duckworth Lewis even though it exists only for rain delays
- ruin your reputation
- destroy the event
- all of the above
4) What is the correct amount of bend allowed in your finger when giving someone out?
- It’s not called bend. It’s referred to as “natural flex”
- 15 degrees
- a U-turn
5) To umpire in an Ashes Test, you must:
- be from a country not involved in The Ashes
- not be on the ICC panel of elite umpires
- all of the above
How did you go? Great
Ok, now let’s practice some ball avoidance manoeuvres. The trick is to have the ball miss you while looking artistic and fluid in your movement.
Looks like you are nearly there.
The final stage in becoming a graduate of the Billy Bowden Umpiring School is to be able to count.
This is a tricky one. The goal is to get to 6.
1,2,3,4,5……..don’t know what comes next? That’s ok. The answer is “over!”
The other variation you should know goes like this:
1,2,3,4,5,6,7. I call it the Baker’s Over. You get an extra one for free.
You are now ready to tackle international cricket.
Good luck and may the protected area of the pitch be with you.
- The Curious Case of Fawad Alam - August 4, 2020
- Why I’m Scared of Travelling to Pakistan - February 19, 2020
- Why Islamabad United Won’t Improve Your Sex Life and How To Fix It - January 2, 2020
- The Only Honest Review of The PSL 2020 Draft on the Internet - December 7, 2019
- Dennis Does The World Cup: My essential guide to a very un-international international cricket tournament - June 2, 2019