“Australians Are No More My Friends.”

It was the wedding you were desperately waiting for. A kind of event that you’d label a showstopper. Wouldn’t have been wrong to call it a rarity in modern cricket. Some termed it cricket’s version of the ‘Superbowl’. Delegates from both Alan Border’s Australia and Sunny Gavaskar’s India were in attendance.

Dharamshala’s brilliant Himalayan snow-capped peaks were to witness a melange of two souls. Rumours were rife that chucking could be legalised by the ICC. A move, that could’ve happened in the wake of dopey post-wedding celebrations. 

Du Plessis and Amla arrived. The captain chewing a Wrigley, and Amla holding a bowl in hand, away from Faf, in nervous excitement. Gayle was gearing up to perform the Gangnam dance, for the millionth time, celebrating this communion of divine ‘friendship’.

Champion Bravo couldn’t come as he was busy practising for his forthcoming ICC Champions Trophy act.

And then?

Just when the groom arrived, panic happened. It all broke down.

Suddenly Cricket’s saddest hour arrived in midst of a keenly- anticipated moment. Kohli declined to marry Smith, the groom. Leaving everyone stunned. The Dalai Lama, always in peace, whether during straight or same-gender marriages, rushed to Gayle. He noted Gayle’s jersey was the same colour as his cotton drape. And found solace.

“They were dating each other from the time of Modi’s appointment as India’s PM”, Jadeja whispered to Warner.

After winning Dharamshala, Kohli, a longtime Smith lover changed stands. But why?

“Australians are no more India’s friends and they cheat”, Kohli, the cribbing bride cried. Everyone stunned. Matt Renshaw nearly soiled his pants.

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It’s important, however, to examine the real cause of this Kohli-Smith ‘friendship’ breakdown

Kohli couldn’t even score a 30 in the series. Smith struck three hundreds and led from the front. But, forget that. Even Wade had better scores than Virat. Ideally, when you win, you accept laurels with dignity and generally don’t mock your opponents. Instead, reserve a word of good for their effort.

But this is Virat Kohli. He likes coming back at his opponents.

Keeping calm is not him.

That would make him ‘boring’ like Pujara.

You can bet, Kohli doesn’t relish the idea of turning a Pujara.

Even then, we must applaud Kohli’s two cents on Australians not being his friends anymore. 

Here’s a fact. Anyone would tell you India and Australia haven’t exactly been in love. Ever. Their cricketers haven’t been thick pals. But neither have New Zealand or Sri Lanka? Or, West Indies and Zimbabwe?

Ever remember seeing Sachin shaking a leg with the ‘Pigeon’? YouTube would reveal McGrath throwing a verbal at Sachin, supposedly asking him to pull a short-pitched one with Sachin duly obliging and McGrath hiding his face.

I don’t recollect Rohit Sharma and Watson going out shopping together. Or Virat giving Johnson some tattoo advice.

A cricketer’s job is to play competitive cricket, not establish friendship clubs on 22 yards. 

If Smith sledged Virat, then he also got it back. Fair and square. Even whilst not scoring, Virat couldn’t contain his aggro. And said a word or two throughout.

Kohli’s predicament is that Aussie media described him as the ‘Trump of Cricket’. But let’s not forget, Virat is no Buddha of world cricket. Remember the middle finger he showed the Australian fans in 2011? Which Aussie cricketer has done that to an Indian crowd?

Do you think India didn’t misbehave this series?

Instead of attempting to contribute with his bat, as he so often does, Kohli kept slipping in verbals constantly from the slips. There were worse scenes this time around. Who would’ve imagined an Ashwin pushing Renshaw aside as the batsman attempted a single?

Would you describe that graceful? How does Virat justify this?

To my untrained eye, Kohli’s cry-baby act points to an inability to digest the fact that not only did Smith’s men run them down at Pune, they very nearly got him at Bangalore. Also, that he ‘got it back’ each time he sledged Australia.

But Australians always sledge, it’s normal for any side

Before you crib, answer this. Does Australia not win matches? Has the ICC banned sledging? So when a Smith, who’s inarguably the mildest ‘talker’ ever, considering, Lillee, his antecedent nearly destroyed opponents gives his piece of mind to India, Virat lashes out.

His worry is how could anyone hurl abuses at him in India?

You could’ve fared better Virat. Here’s a fact. If Australians aren’t your friends, it doesn’t increase the price of fish in either country. Plus, Smith won’t consider this the greatest emotional loss of his life. Would you Pujara?Follow @denniscricket_