Dear Indian cricket fans,
My name is Dennis Freedman and I’m an IndianTrollaholic.
You see, I’m addicted to bagging the Indian cricket team, the BCCI, Sachin and all their fans with every waking moment.
Mind you, most of it is justified.
I mean, you have only won two games during the 100 days India have been on this Australian tour. The BCCI is ruining cricket. Dhoni is probably more corrupt than Mohammad Azharuddin and you guys struggle with sarcasm.
Today, you played South Africa in the biggest match of the World Cup to date. Almost 90,000 of you turned up to the MCG, a neutral venue, to cheer on your heavily conflicted and narcissistic players.
And I don’t say that lightly.
For example, look at Virat Kohli. He spends more time grooming his face than he spends at fielding practice. Also, of the 11 players on the field, 14 of them were from the Chennai Super Kings.
So, when I tweeted these predictions before the match, I felt very comfortable.
Here's a prediction. South Africa will show India how to win away from home today. #SAvInd
— Dennis Does Cricket (@DennisCricket_) February 22, 2015
India couldn't beat England in the recent Tri Series. Anyone thinking they can beat SA at the MCG probably believes the earth is flat
— Dennis Does Cricket (@DennisCricket_) February 21, 2015
Well, what a goose I look like now.
Firstly, I’ve learnt that the Indian education system no longer teaches schoolchildren that the earth is flat. It’s only a recent change, so I should be excused for missing it.
Also, who knew that South Africa would put up such a crap display.
If I had done a little more research prior to the event, I would have noticed that South Africa have a new sponsor for the tournament.
South Africa have announced a new sponsor only for World Cups. #cwc15 #INDvSA pic.twitter.com/JRcWczWahO
— Dennis Does Cricket (@DennisCricket_) February 22, 2015
With that knowledge, I probably would have been less likely to predict a South African win.
They have arguably the best batting and bowling lineup at this event. They were facing an Indian team who usually has Ishant Sharma as its strike bowler. He averages over 31 in ODI’s. If he’s the front line bowler and is missing, the understudies must be horrible.
In fact, I wrote about it in this piece for Sportskeeda. The 41,000 Indian fans that read it so far have all sent me letters with a surprise inside. That stuff is all through my carpet and very unpleasant.
I feel like I have been caught severely off guard.
Not only did I make a poor prediction, but I also haven’t studied enough Hindi to clearly understand what you guys are asking me to do with the goat you keep mentioning.
So, to all those Indian fans out there who wish me ill, let me say this.
Your team really is not that good.
You can bat a bit. Dhawan is playing out of his skin. It is not sustainable. Kohli is distracted by dating controversies. He is the new Shane Warne in that regard. Dhoni is finished and should retire prior to being arrested for breaking some law while Vice President at India Cements. I kinda like Rahane, but given you guys forget he is even in the team, let’s not focus on him.
Yadav sprays it more than a stray cat marking its territory. Ashwin is your best bowler but your captain will not pick him consistently. Jadeja is the original version of Stuart Binny. No one knows why he is in the team. Ravi Shastri is conflicted as your team manager, BCCI investigator and TV commentator. He is qualified as none.
So my Indian friends, enjoy yourselves. You won this battle. Beating South Africa at the MCG is no easy feat if you are Scotland or Kenya.
I apologise that I predicted South Africa not to roll over and let their bellies be tickled like little puppies.
However, when your team returns home to India (or Melbourne if you are Shikhar Dhawan) after this World Cup, you won’t have any silverware to show for your efforts.
This is a fact.
I am sorry for pointing this out to you.Follow @denniscricket_
joking apart, what sort of dating did u mention about Kohli. Indians are conservative so they object him for having a gf, in your culture it is no big deal.
Just so you know, all Indian cricket fans aren’t the same. I find all your tweets & Facebook posts amusing (P.S: I’m not offended, not even a bit).
Just one thing to be added here: Fans used to be a bit different here. Everything what you see now is the result of double standard media.
You are a f**kin nobody who makes a living out of criticizing and writing bulls**t about a team that is currently the world champion. Lets go by facts. India IS the title holder. Dhoni, who you write so much c**p about, was the Man of the match in the World Cup final, and has lifted all the big trophies. India defeated SA despite your so valued prediction, and a big defeat that. Kohli with all him face grooming, and a high profile GF, is in top 3 scorers in the World cup so far. Dhawan is the highest scorer. India is the only team that has scored 300 twice in this tournament – against Pak and SA probably among the best bowling teams in the world. Ok, we didnt do well in the triangular series. who the f** cares? England went down 5-0 in Ashes. Australia lost to India 4-0 in the last test series they played in India. But those are irrelevant numbers. Ishant Sharma took 7 wickets and scripted the best Indian test victory ever. Where the hell were u? Did u say anything good about them then?
You call your writing sarcastic, but I think you are ‘plain’ frustrated. Are you English? Are you Australian? Doesn’t matter. I think you are just crap. You keep on talking about MS being corrupt when the supreme court has acquitted him.
We, Indians, understand sarcasm. Sorry to say u are not witty. You are depressed. How much negativity can one man have? Your life must be living hell.
Dude, I cannot stress enough on this, but PLEASE get a LIFE!!
Where was I after Lord’s? I was here: https://dennisdoescricket.com/genius-ms-dhoni/
dear dennis its ur job to criticize indian cricket so no offence.I only want you to be loyal whoever given u a job to defame bCCI . but lemme clear a doubt that U will not be picked in BCCI team or even In any IPL’s team’ managing director.
so keep crying .keep jealous of Ricky ponting who is earning millions in Delhi capitals 😏
Dennis, please please please – get Rambo as your new writer for Bay 13 – Comedy Gold!
Hi Dennis, I follow you on Twitter and find most of your tweets, blogs, comments fairly funny. I agree that Indian cricket fans (including me) need to be thicker skinned when dealing with our detractors (and it looks like we have many). Our team, two weeks ago, deserved all the drubbing and condescension. Our performance the past couple of months (+) has been abysmal.
That being said, you gotta give credit where it’s due! And by credit, I don’t mean pinning us down as favorites. But we sure deserve a pat on the back for our two opening performances.
Here’s where I disagree with you:
–Hating on us because we’re a powerful cricketing nation isn’t justified. 1999 to now has been so remarkable for Indian cricket. Deriding us because we want to be the best, is a little unreasonable. What’s ruining cricket is spot fixing scandals and talented players being dropped or chided because they don’t get along with their cricket boards. I don’t see you peppering the ECB, WICB or PCB with caustic tweets. Why the double standards?
— Virat Kohli can go do his net practice in a beauty salon, for all I care. As long as he delivers, I’m not complaining. And his stats are testimony to that. He’s up there with some LEGIT cricketers. Kohli could go date a martian and he still wouldn’t make news like Warne. Besides, who cares about how many threesomes Warne has/had. He brings it when he’s on the field. Why should someone’s personal life affect their work?
— Tons of CSK players. Okay. CSK’s been an IPL finalist a gazillion times. There’s a reason for that. They have a good team. It’s makes intuitive sense that there’s a lot of overlap between CSK and the Indian team. You want match winners on your team. Simple.
— Ishant Sharma sucks. Like a lot. I’m unabashedly thanking the Universe for taking care of that for us. And idk why Jadeja’s on the team either. Outside of Shami and Ashwin, the rest of our attack stinks. BUT, I think we proved with the last WC and Champions Trophy 2013 that a team with an okay-ish bowling attack can make it far. As long as our batting clicks. Which it does. So…..
— Our batting is pretty great. Like it or not, it is. When it comes to the one day format, we have the chops. No one expects Dhawan to score a 100 every time he walks out. It’s a team sport. As long as Rohit, Rahane, Raina or Dhoni pick up the slack, our momentum is sustainable. And please, Kohli is now a pro at handling media/paparazzi shenanigans. He’s been doing it for a while now. Years even. So I don’t see why it should suddenly affect his performance??
— Yes, the BCCI is a big, ugly monster that bullies other Boards. But the fact remains that all these smaller boards pander to BCCI’s interests. Cricketers (the best of the best) still want to get picked first during an IPL auction. If you want to slay the giant, then the rest of the gang needs to stop shamelessly giving in.
— Yeah, we probably won’t win the World Cup. I’m no soothsayer, so idk. Australia and NZ look good– but not clear frontrunners like Australia were in 2007. They don’t look invincible. So it’s fair to say that a group of 4-5 teams have a shot at the title, with the probabilities of some being slightly better than the others.
India may not be the top favorite, but we sure as hell caused an upset yesterday. All the fawning over South Africa– the best batting and bowling side–unmatchable fielding–yada yada yada– and we beat them in all three departments by a ginormous margin. Even Australia drubbing England wasn’t this big. Despite Australia being a tournament fave and England having a complete meltdown. We still beat South Africa more comprehensively! If South Africa has a shot at the title, then why don’t we? We’ve seen teams come from the back and win the final in the past, haven’t we?
We’re all a little biased. Being Indian, I’m obviously biased towards Indian team. But the kind of blinding hate you throw at Team India is unfair. You can hate the governing body, the fans, the spelling mistakes we make etc. But so much condescension even when we play well ad beat one of the best teams in the tournament is bizarre. It’s not just unreasonable, it’s hatred bordering on delusion.
Getting of my soap box now,
Indian Cricket Fan
Off* my soap box
It’s sarcasm and satire my friend. Re-read the 5th paragraph.
Sarcasm is defined as the use of irony to convey contempt. Your unbridled contempt for Indian cricket is the disconcerting part of this blog. Sarcasm generally works best in subtle moderation.
So I’m crap at it. I can accept that.
@cheerio, had me laughing when i read your comment , thank you very much, Living in the USA and playing cricket with 99% sub continent players, them and i have had numerous run ins, we play and talk about our cricket differently, but your comment reminded me of something I’ve said to my team mates many times, “Australians aren’t subtle nor do we do anything in moderation”. I am Old, I am Fat, I am a crap Player, BUT i give it 110%, and i love my cricket.
Hahahaha!! you are funny and if you continue to burn like this in jealousy, ur arrogant fair skin will soon become brown or black. Things would be difficult with whites not taking you and coloured just bashing u!!