Acceptable ODI Retirement Methods

The 2015 World Cup has come to an end. Well, allegedly. I think there are still a month or two to go. It probably finishes after The Ashes.

With this confusion has come a myriad of ODI retirements by greats of the game.

Just like their cricket, each has chosen to part ways with your television screen in a unique manner.

If you are considering retiring from ODI cricket at any stage in the future, plagiarising one of these methods will clearly assist your exit strategy.

Misbah-ul-haq

Well before retirement, ensure that you have saved, or attempted to save your team on multiple occasions. Gel a team that lives in a constant state of Akmal created chaos. Ensure your team upsets at least one tournament favourite. India is best, but South Africa will do. Never address your detractors. Announce before a quarter final that it’s time to go and then lose the quarter final after coming in at 2/25 yet again. Finally, unleash hell on every scribe, commentator or ex player who has ever claimed you are selfish.

Shahid Afridi

This method involves having a few practice runs in the years leading up to the World Cup. Before the tournament, announce that winning back your fastest century world record is more important than your team winning the World Cup. Play like you are channelling your inner Jade Dernbach. Don’t get tempted to eat a ball. Leave quietly and start planning your comeback tour.

Brendan Taylor

Make a century in your last game, get selected as 12th man in the ICC World Cup team of the tournament and then announce you don’t care much for your national team and are moving to England.

Bravo and Pollard

Cause a player’s strike in India that threatens to bankrupt your country’s cricketing board. Have the retirement decision made for you before you even step onto a plane by a guy who tweets out inspirational quotes.

Younis Khan

Threaten suicide when not selected in the squad to play Australia in Dubai. Make the World Cup squad, tank and quietly exit via a side door.

Michael Clarke

Get into a battle with Cricket Australia over whether you should even play in the tournament due to injury. Have a deadline game set to prove your fitness. Have that game washed out. Call a press conference before the final alerting the world of your impending retirement. It’s all about you. Remind the press that your record stacks up against anyone’s. Ignore those that point out that Shane Watson has made more ODI centuries than you. So has Nathan Astle. Make 70 odd in the final, get bowled and allow the people hero Shane Watson to be at the crease when the winning runs are hit. Ensure that the team makes it onto the Packer family boat for post match celebrations. Confirm with Women’s Weekly that K. Y. L. Y is how they spell your wife’s name.

Daniel Vettori

Grow a beard. Have Mark Nicholas retire you off during the World Cup Final’s award ceremony without your permission. Have multiple articles written about what a nice guy you are.

Kumar Sangakkara

Make more ODI runs in the 12 months leading up to and including the World Cup than anyone else in history. Make four consecutive World Cup centuries. Have team mates on their knees begging you not to leave. Write a letter to the SLC claiming a conspiracy is underway to discredit your good name. Be awesome.

Mahela Jayawardene

Copy everything that Kumar Sangakkara did except for the batting record and letter writing bits.

Others

Work your backside off and earn a place in your team’s national side. Retire like every other normal person would. Get snubbed by Mark Nicholas at the awards ceremony because you were not one of his ‘close friends’.Follow @denniscricket_