A detailed look under the kimono of the English cricket team

As the English cricket team settle in for a night of frivolity, celebrating the retention of the Wisden trophy after losing the 3rd Test against the West Indies, I thought it prudent to take a more detailed look under the kimono of the ECB’s slogans and metaphors iterating self worth.

For although somewhat hidden, the trained eye can catch glimpses of a ‘mediocre’ cricket team parading itself off as world class.

My special microscope that only sees reality has been put to good use and has concluded the following to be true:

Cook – Less a captain and more a bloke with a title that he doesn’t know what to do with. Kinda like Prince Charles in a way. Made a hundred against the team ranked 8th in the world. It took him 704 days to achieve it. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Trott – Plays the short ball like Kim Jong-un plays human rights. His first name isn’t even Jonathan. It is Ian. The fact he has rejected the use of Ian is just weird. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Ballance –  Averages 67 in Test cricket. That’s because he is not English. Only averages 12.50 against Australia. Could be a liability come the Ashes. Possibly not in England’s best team.

Bell – Heads into a tour against Southee and Boult with scores of 11,1,0,0. Is wasting Kevin Pietersen’s spot. Could be a liability come the Ashes. Possibly not in England’s best team.

Root –  Cuter than a royal baby. Puts up massive numbers, except when playing NZ or Aus where he averages 36 & 33 respectively. Probably a liability come the Ashes. Possibly not in England’s best team.

Moeen – Almost as overrated as James Anderson. A part time spinner who sometimes bowls behind part part time spinner Joe Root. A one trick pony with the bat. No tricks when the ball is pitched short. Essentially England’s version of Shane Lee. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Butler – Is able to move behind the stumps, which makes him slightly more useful than Matt Prior. Loves a slog, but in a Shahid Afridi sort of ineffectual way. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Possibly not in England’s best team.

Stokes – Was once labeled by the English press as the next Ian Botham. Yet to tweet a picture of his penis or admit to taking drugs. Has red hair. Will punch a locker but not a guy saluting him as he leaves the field. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Jordan – Once took a great slips catch. Problem is he has been selected to bowl. Helps England meet their racial quotas of non English born players. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Broad – His father is a better opening option than Trott. Well down on his usual high standards in the pest rankings. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Anderson – Player of the series. Helped bowl England to a loss in the 3rd Test, meaning that his team retained the Wisden trophy with a 1-1 draw. Took his usual one single 5’fer per series. Broke a bowling record held by a batting all rounder. Still many wickets behind Harbhajan Singh. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Will likely cry at some point. Not in England’s best team.

Moores – Only slightly more inspiring than than a bag of mouldy potatoes. However, for an old man, he still looks impressive in a tracksuit. That has to count for something, but unfortunately, not enough something. He should consider changing his name to Gillespie in an effort to save his job. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Reproduced with permission at First PostFollow @denniscricket_