If, like me, you are lucky enough to be at the MCG this Sunday, best you come prepared. This is your moment. Your time to shine.
More importantly, it is your time to unleash clichés.
Before we go on, it is best I define the word ‘commentator’.
If you are Australian and work for Channel Nine, you are not a commentator. You are simply a bunch of over excited old boys reliving their youth into a microphone.
Every other voice you hear on TV or radio is probably a commentator. Settled? Good.
So, my commentator friend, below is a cheat sheet of statements, stories and facts you should use to convey an aura of ‘I know my stuff’.
Before the game
Did you know that Indians have bought the majority of the tickets to today’s final?
The MCG is the world’s greatest sporting collaseum.
Melbourne makes amazing coffee.
My hotel was just a short stroll through some gardens (carpark) to the MCG.
It was a good toss to lose.
This is as big as it gets.
Did you know [Phar Lap, Crowded House, Russell Crowe, Ricky May, Luke Ronchi..actually, not him] is from New Zealand?
Antipodean. (Just use that word somehow)
The Melbourne weather can change faster than Warne changes girlfriends.
The World Cup is a massive trophy.
The boundaries are long at this ground.
The boundaries are bigger here than on the grounds in New Zealand.
Australia have home ground advantage.
This is New Zealand’s first ever World Cup final.
During the game
It is loud today.
New Zealand are a plucky team.
New Zealand are undefeated in the tournament so far.
Grant Elliott was born in South Africa.
When Mitch Johnson bats well, he bowls well.
Daniel Vettori is a librarian by trade.
There are lots of sheep in New Zealand.
Umpires call. They have wasted their review.
New Zealand is made up of two island. They are really close to each other.
This pitch is a belter.
Remember, the line belongs to the umpire.
He must have a good bat.
This over is important.
Double the score at 30 overs.
Double the score at 35 overs.
What do you call that shot from Maxwell?
What a summer Steve Smith has had.
The ball isn’t swinging.
I think team [insert team] should use their power play now.
There ain’t no second prize (extra credibility if you sing it).
That’s an expensive miss.
The locals have been extremely hospitable.
That’s as big a hit as we have seen in the tournament.
At the awards ceremony
How are you feeling [player X]?
There isn’t a dry eye in the house.
[Losing team] should be so proud of their efforts.
Does anyone know what time my flight home is?
They are doing a lap of honour.
We look forward now to the Ashes.
These games have been the best Olympics ever.