Anything invented by the English is sure to have a quirky side. Probably useful, but definitely far from perfect.
Examples include the Land Rover Defender, Israel, the Spice Girls and the Westminster form of government.
However, the game of cricket trumps all of these quaint English things. It is loaded with out of date and ridiculous traditions that need an overhaul.
Let’s explore a few.
It’s over 35 degrees. The humidity makes it feel like you are wearing wet towels. All you want is a little shade and some water to cool down
WELL YOU CAN’T!
Put those long pants on fella. Run around for 6 hours during the hottest part of the day. If you are a fast bowler, sprint in those long pants over after over.
Running in long pants in normal circumstances is stupid, uncomfortable and unnatural, like the marriage of Bernie and Slavica Ecclestone.
Shorts are what nature invented for summer sports. That’s why cricket is played best on the beach.
So why aren’t cricketers wearing them? What stuffy upcoat are people scared of insulting?
It’s not tradition or part of the game. It’s a health and safety hazard. Long white pants are best saved for renditions of Stayin’ Alive.
Tossing the Coin before every match
In a game where the team that bats first usually gets an advantage (I’m talking Test matches), why is it left to chance?
Tossing the coin is for people who don’t know how to take control of their lives. They are losers who let others control it for them.
Toss it once in the first Test. That’s it. If you win the first toss, expect to be told whether to bat or bowl in the next one.
Alternate. It’s simple
It makes no sense that a game of chance that is not part of the onfield play can have such an impact on a series.
Lunch and Tea Breaks
Cricketers pretend that they are ultra athletes. They are not. They stand in the field for 6 hours and jog now and then. Most are lucky if they cover 3km in a day. I can run 3km in 15 minutes.
Many of the players won’t even be involved in a normal day’s play. They sit in the air conditioning whistling or plotting the downfall of their coach.
You get a drinks break every hour. What else do you need?
Lunch, after 2 hours of play is indulgent. It is lazy. It makes a mockery of the sport.
Now, the tea break. Who has dinner at 3:40pm? That’s just past lunchtime. Perhaps you could sneak in a Tim Tam if you’re a retiree on benefits. If you are an elite sportsman, how about you harden up and actually play the game?
What’s that? You need some quinoa and activated almonds?
No. You need to get back on the field and catch up on your over rate.
I can’t think of any other sport where yelling at the umpire as loud as you can is encouraged.
Why don’t we score these appeals like gymnastic judges. Then it would make sense to carry on like a contestant on The Price is Right.
“HOWZAT!!!!” Would you like to buy a vowel? How about some diction?
Howzat is not even a word. It’s Australian for “How’s That?“. Law 27 of the game actually has this written in them.
What’s wrong with an umpire just making a decision on his own? Why does he need some screaming barbarian, or in the case of Stuart Broad, a squealer, spitting incomprehensible words at him. Is the purpose to wake the umpire up? Is it assumed he is not concentrating properly?
If it’s out, let the umpire make up his own mind, in his own time and when he chooses to.
Look at the image below. The Karma Sutra has more positions that make sense.
3rd man? Is that like the menage-et-trois of cricket?
Fine Leg. A place for swimwear models to conjugate?
Silly point. Isn’t that what Billy Bowden does.
Sort this rubbish out. None of it makes any sense.
It was probably a practical joke by Monty Python that has gone horribly wrong.
The Marylebone Cricket Club Uniform
Grown men dressing up as schoolboys and kidding themselves that they belong to something better than you.
Yes. It’s Lords. Yes. You are a member. Yes. You look like a pompous twat
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