John Etheridge, of that illustrious paper The Sun in the UK, has revealed that the ECB management have a dossier on Kevin Pietersen that documents 50 misdemeanors to support his sacking.
His tweet is here:
Well, I have been able to get our hands on the said document.
Interestingly, it was written by Andy Flower.
Here are the 50 misdemeanors alleged of Kevin that sit in that ECB dossier:
———————————————————————————–
“Dear Board members and management of the ECB. Below is my report consolidating all of KP’s misdemeanors for which he was duly sacked.
Kind Regards
Andy Flower”
1. He didn’t acknowledge me with the correct title of “Your Majesty”
2. Was the leading runs scorer for England in their latest Ashes Test series. I had planned for it to be Cook
3. Has a personality and is much loved by the public. This makes his captain look bad
4. Married a pop star. That’s not the look expected of an English cricketer
[pullquote]Kevin Peter Pietersen from Pietermaritzburg is too ridiculous a name and lineage to be in England colours[/pullquote]
5. It was discovered that Nena and Pasadena are not real people. Fraud
6. He was the reason why the players got caught pissing on the pitch
7. Was honest with the selectors when he said Bairstow isn’t up to it. This is clear dissent
8. Despite 15 years of trying, he couldn’t totally lose his South African accent
9. Was never good enough to be selected to play in the Asian Cup for any side
10. He once laughed in a press conference. Unprofessional
11. Got out to Peter Siddle too many times. Obviously not training hard enough
12. Told the truth about how bad Nick Knight’s commentary is. Why is KP even watching television to know this? Clearly not enough commitment.
13. Piers Morgan named KP as a friend
14. He prefers Marmite to Vegemite
15. He can’t change a tyre
16. He once told the joke about a Zimbabwean, an Irishman and a South African entering a bar. They were all waiting to see who would be selected next for England
17. He prefers Super Rugby to soccer. He still calls it soccer and not football
18. He once followed my mate Dennis Freedman, then unfollowed him. That makes KP a shit bloke UPDATE. He followed Dennis again after reading this dossier on the 10th March 2014.
@FreedmanDennis hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Make it 47 cos I'm gonna follow you again!
— Kevin Pietersen (@KP24) March 10, 2014
19. He doesn’t drink tea
20. He thinks The Goodies are something that IPL team managers give him in a brown paper bag
21. It is important to the image of English mediocrity that Alec Stewart remain higher in the Test runs scored table than KP
22. He uses WhatsApp to avoid being caught txt messaging
23. He won’t sign the fan’s bats
24. Once, on the team bus, he sat in the back seat without asking for permission
25. He secretly likes Ben Dorries
26. He believes that Northern Ireland should be handed over to the Irish in the south
27. KP is always late. When I say late, he could be on time. But the concern is still valid
28. Doesn’t reciprocate when someone buys him a drink. Again, I’m not certain about this but what if it is true?
29. Once whistled. Criminal behaviour
30. Said some things in confidence in a secret team meeting without the coaches present, that the vice captain then told the coaches
31. Told Graeme Swann that he should complete the 4th and 5th Tests
32. Gave Trott a hug
33. Hit Simon Kerrigan to all parts of the net during practice before The Oval Test 2013. Obviously, this is why Kerrigan bowled like a blind Imran Tahir
34. Feels uncomfortable wearing the team blazer, or any blazer for that matter
35. Kevin Peter Pietersen from Pietermaritzburg is too ridiculous a name and lineage to be in England colours
36. We really need more Welsh players to be honest
37. He thought being fielded at fine leg was a waste of his talents
38. His off spin wasn’t effective enough
39. Given Jade Dernbach is the future, we couldn’t risk having two knobs in the team
40. He retired from ODI cricket to focus on Tests. We don’t need one dimensional cricketers
41. His reintegration made our policy of discrediting him look ridiculous
42. He can understand Ravi Shastri. I believe this is some kind of witchcraft at play’
43. Prove to me that he is even English
44. Blue hair. We should have pulled him up on that years ago.
45. He hasn’t read all of the Harry Potter books.
46. He has a copy of Police Academy 7 at home.
47. He kept his moustache even after Movember ended. His lack of disciple is incredible
48. Couldn’t properly pronounce Quinoa. (/ˈkiːnwɑː/ kinwa)
49. There are only 48. No one in England can make 50 these days, unless of course it it James Anderson’s bowling average since the Ashes begun in England
50. N/A
I don’t know how you do it unlock the secrets of #KPGate and predict Warner jnr. Marvelous stuff!
Thanks Rick. I just channel my inner Mark Nicholas, make stuff up and hope it sticks.
I just channel my inner Mark Nicholas and make stuff up. Sometimes, I get it right
Love it!
Although, I do hope you can get some help with your possessing an *inner Mark Nicholas* problem.
Brilliant!! Look at the poll results 88% in favour of Sacking Flower instead of Pieterson. #ECBClowns
It’s now 90%.
The other 10% accidently clicked on the wrong button
you got the marmite one the wrong way round
Oh hell no.
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