Hi Ben,
My name is Dennis.
I’m not very good at life. But given you are currently worse at it, I thought I’d pass on some tips.
For example, it took me a while to discover that mustard powder isn’t a good substitute for instant coffee. That’s how much I suck at it.
But dude, you make me look like I’ve won life’s lottery. It’s as if I’m the love child of Elon Musk and Steve Jobs. If two men could breed of course. But that’s just semantics. Actually, I haven’t checked. They probably can. I’m sure it says so in the Bible somewhere.
Anyhow, back to the point. I’ve created a short 10 step guide for you on how to get just a little better as a human on this planet.
Let’s be honest. It is going to be hard for you to get any worse at it. Unless perhaps The Guardian discovers that you voted for Brexit. The left wing millennial fallout would be horrendous. Actually, having to write for The Guardian would be worse, but I’m assuming you struggle with basic concepts like sentences, so that’s a low risk.
Getting back to the point, here’s a list of things you should consider to stop doing:
- Punching Lockers
- Breaking your hand from punching lockers
- Punching humans
- Punching humans while drunk outside a nightclub
- Punching humans while drunk outside a nightclub when they have their arms raised in surrender
- Punching humans while drunk outside a nightclub when they have their arms raised in surrender and you are in the middle of an international series
- Punching humans while drunk outside a nightclub when they have their arms raised in surrender and you are in the middle of an international series and you are the team’s Vice Captain
- Punching humans while drunk outside a nightclub when they have their arms raised in surrender and you are in the middle of an international series and you are the team’s Vice Captain and there’s an Ashes series coming up
- Punching humans while drunk outside a nightclub when they have their arms raised in surrender and you are in the middle of an international series and you are the team’s Vice Captain and there’s an Ashes series coming up and breaking your hand in the process
- Punching humans while drunk outside a nightclub when they have their arms raised in surrender and you are in the middle of an international series and you are the team’s Vice Captain and there’s an Ashes series coming up and breaking your hand in the process and then mocking a disabled kid.
- Don’t bowl the last over of a World T20 final (This is a bonus tip. Buy 10, get 1 free kinda thing)
Consider this my good deed for the day. I’m a philanthropist.Follow @denniscricket_
“I just want to put all this behind me and get on with playing [insert sport].”
Does he have any australian lineage. Maybe not…. he looks Irish with the orange hair. He should punch himself… this Ben Jokes.
That tells you the values….culture…upbringing..family values…which are non existant.
Aushtralia cannot win eh. Without the help of tosses (even though they won 3 successive tosses!), without the help of flat pitches, without the help of dressing room reviews, without icc help – like ensuring australia win lotsa crucial tosses, twisting rules to bring in two new balls in ODIs to smother the spin and reverse swing threats of subcontinental teams… and help teams like eng, aus, sa and nz. The two new ball rule is the sole reason for these absurd 350 plus ODI scores and will bring skill levels down.
Without help aushtraylia are HELPLESS! Skill -less. They cannot win on their own stones.
Despite all these adversities India are the BOSS team.