The summer is over. The sun is refusing to shine and the birds have stopped singing.
As I write, it’s only April. But let’s pretend it’s June so that this piece can at least attempt to reflect its title.
How does one get through the winter if you are a lover of balls filled with cork rather than balls filled with air?
What if you don’t like the kind of games where kicking is king and men wear shorts?
Do you count down the days until Australia travel to the cricketing Mecca of the UAE to face Pakistan in two totally awe inspiring Tests?
Well, you are in luck. Whether you hail from Melbourne, Auckland or Pietermaritzburg, this guide is for you.
Stay silent no longer my Southern Hemisphere friends, for my winter survival guide has arrived.
1) Harden the f%&k up
You may not know it, but your constant pining for the sound of leather on willow rather than the sound of leather on boot is rather annoying. I agree that shorts and thongs don’t work when it’s 12 degrees outside. That’s ok. Buy some pants. Novel concept. Very effective.
2) Watch County Cricket
The English have this quaint tradition of playing a competition during their summer. What’s great about it is that they allow their average players (the Test team) to play against really average players (imports from local villages and the remote colonies like Rhodesia).
Watch, as plodders like James Anderson (Test bowling average over 30) tear SomeWhereShire a new one. Admire how the press and UK based social media commentators try and sell us that the guy is a star and really just had yet another off international season.
It’s all very amusing.
3) Watch the IPL
It’s not really cricket. It’s more like India’s version of WWE. The match results are all predetermined.
However, it does have some redeeming features. There are dancing girls. Tick. There are Pepsi advertisements. That’s something we don’t often see in Australia. You also get DJ Ravi Shastri on the mic. Confusing? Sure. Entertaining? Who knows. But it’s better than Michael Slater so he gets the thumbs up from me
4) Download a Justin Bieber album
Random for sure. But if you ever wanted to experiment with your pride and self worth, now is the time when it’s dark and cold and no one will notice.
Invite Monty Panesar over to share the listening pleasure. He’s into that kind of thing. He’s also into Tinder.
5) Release a totally bogus story about KP
This is a fairly safe play as cut through will be hard. You will be competing against all the world renowned journalists and newspapers.
Really challenge yourself and write something true about this cultural devil. No one will believe it, but it should occupy a few hours of your time.