Srini: Hi Sepp. It’s Srini here. How’s things?
Blatter: Bloody horrible, truth be known.
Srini: What happened?
Blatter: Well, those minnow countries couldn’t keep their mouths shut. Sure, take my bribe. But don’t then go driving a Mercedes through the streets of Mogadishu. People will know you are on the take. I told them to send the money to the Cayman Islands. They never listen.
Srini: I prefer Monaco.
Blatter: I’ve paid off the Cayman Islands President.
Srini: Did it cost much?
Blatter: Yes. He wanted to host the 2026 World Cup. At least when Putin asks, you know you have no choice. I didn’t want to be poisoned by some radioactive laced food.
Srini: I always wanted to know. Why did you award that World Cup to Qatar?
Blatter: The King needed some help with population control. So far, we have helped him kill off a few thousand immigrant workers. I think he’s happy.
Srini: You should have had it in Dubai like we would have. It’s the spiritual homeland of all sport. That, and we don’t pay tax and stuff.
Blatter: There’s a thought.
Srini: Was it scary when the FBI arrived?
Blatter: Sort of. The executives all rolled around on the floor pretending to be injured.
Srini: Didn’t work?
Blatter: No. The FBI had that magic spray.
Srini: Did you tell the police you were merely an ‘enthusiast’?
Blatter: Yes. That’s why I’m still here and not on a plane bound for New York.
Srini: Repeat after me. “I have done nothing wrong”.
Blatter: “I have done nothing wrong”.
Srini: Good. Now, to be extra safe, make yourself head of the Ethics and Corruption Committee.
Blatter: Great idea.
Srini: I have also asked the BCCI to offer the remaining FIFA executives asylum. You can come and run the IPL for a while.
Blatter: That’s very kind.
Srini: I almost forgot. It is important you travel everywhere in an ambulance. No one goes hard after an old bloke who appears to be sick.