Dear Jimmy (or is it James? We weren’t to sure so we went with Jimmy)
The ICC is the international body in charge of making lots of money for India, England and Australia. We also get distracted from time to time with having to manage cricketing matters.
You have been dobbed in by the Indian team manager for a potential breach of Article 2.3.3 of the ICC Code of Conduct for Players and Player Support Personnel.
When we looked it up to see what the hell it was referring to, it reads: “Where the facts of the alleged incident are not adequately or clearly covered by any of the above offences, conduct that either: (a) is contrary to the spirit of the game; or (b) brings the game into disrepute”.
We will now hold a hearing to see why you shouldn’t be banned for at least two Test matches for doing naughty things.
We will hold the hearing in a few weeks time, given we are all in the Caribbean enjoying the CPL. It would be unwise to come back to London any earlier given the party Chris Gayle has organised for us next Friday.
It also will help grow interest in a series of mediocrity, given it is between the teams ranked 4th and 5th.
We would greatly appreciate you sending us a telegram, clearly highlighting what you did wrong. It will save us having to get Sachin Tendulkar to lie to a New Zealand High Court judge during the appeal.
To help you along, we have created a simple check list for you (You may select any of the options below):
- You pushed an Indian;
- You pushed and Indian named Ravi ;
- You forgot to call him Sir Ravi;
- Your lawyers couldn’t cut a deal with the Indian lawyers;
- You supported Kevin Pietersen;
- You have a bowling average over 30;
- You have fallen 10 places in the World Test rankings since being labelled the Best in the World by Akram;
- You have posed naked for fashion magazines;
- You have cried on national television.
Feel free to take your time getting back to us. That will give us the opportunity to leak our thoughts to John Etheridge at The Sun
All the best