“Ah, thanks for coming bru’s.
Before I start, let me acknowledge the traditional owners of this land that we know as Cape Town. To Batman, Robin, Superman and other great wearers of capes, we salute you.
Ok, that’s the officialdom out of the way.
I would like to announce that I am retiring for Test cricket. I’m 33 and just couldn’t be stuffed anymore.
It has nothing to do with me averaging 8.40 in the current series. Well, actually it does. That and Mitch Johnson. He has put me into hospital twice, and although the nurses are cute in there, I’d rather be somewhere else.
I wanted to make sure that like other greats in Greg Chappell and Lillee that I retired mid Test. It seems the least disruptive way to do it. No one really wants to wait until after a series. That would mean all the foreign journalists have gone home and my book deal wouldn’t get off to the start I want it to.
I also reckon that after the guard of honour I afforded Ricky Ponting, that having one with Shane Watson in it for me was only fitting.
I tried to convince Cricket South Africa to give me a farewell tour like Sachin, but they couldn’t book the ground at Mumbai. Oh well.
Before you remind me that there are two days left in this deciding Test, let me tell you this.
My full attention is on my retirement party. I’m really struggling with what beers to have. Castle Lager is so overrated. Also, do you guys think it will look bad if KP turns up?
Can we win this Test? Who cares. I’m retiring. Ask Alviro or someone else about the cricket. He like to talk about that stuff.
I hope to be remembered as an aggressive captain who lived by the mantra “lose to win”
Sorry boys, got to go. That’s Ashley Giles on the line. Now I have an Irish passport, there’s a chance I can represent England.