The English and Wales Cricket Board (ECB….apparently, the letter ‘W’ is silent) has finally responded to Kevin Pietersen’s autobiography.
Speaking under the promise of anonymity, ECB President Giles Clarke said
‘..to be honest Dennis, I would normally just ring up John Etheridge from The Sun and tell him what to write in reply. But since he’s read the book and I haven’t, I’ve let him off the leash.
I thought his secret dossier idea was genius. KP Genius…get it?
Have you seen it? I mean, we had a private investigator follow Kevin and just record things he did. For example, did you know he once had two sugars in his cup of tea. That’s a clear violation of the ECB sugar quota system’.
However, it is clear that this leader’s strong point is not his leadership.
To cover his failings, he has sent English captain Alastair Cook in to face the music.
This makes sense, because Cook is clearly very comfortable when under immense pressure.
Whether it be is lack of runs, his lack of winning, his lack of managing a bullying culture or his lack of personality, Cook is your man when a crisis is upon England.
‘This Kevin Pietersen book ‘tarnishes a Golden era’ in English cricket. I mean, prior to its release, we lost the Ashes 5-0 and then lost to The Netherlands in the T20 World Cup. That’s about as Golden as it gets.’
I questioned Cook on KP’s thoughts on Prior, and his use of the term ‘back-stabbing’ to describe him.
‘Matty is a great man and has been a fantastic servant to English cricket. He has to be remembered as a guy who put his heart and soul on the line for England. The team was all that mattered to him.’
That’s great Alastair, but what about his alleged back-stabbing?
He never did it to me. He only did it to young players who dropped catches and to Kevin Pietersen. So, as a whole, he hardly back-stabbed anyone at all.
The ECB have also sent out James Anderson to front the media. In Kevin Pietersen’s autobiography, Anderson was mistakenly referred to as ‘the nicest man in the world’ instead of ‘overrated’. How did James respond to that?
‘Well, it’s a bit embarrassing to be labelled the nicest man in the world. I mean, that probably infers I’m nicer than blokes like Santa Claus and the Dalai Lama. He’s meant to be really nice isn’t he?
The thing is, it doesn’t really matter if Kevin liked me.
John Etheridge has told me to say phrases like “I’m disappointed” and “we’ve drawn a line in the sand.” What does that mean anyway? The last time I drew a line in the sand was at a game of beach cricket in Bondi. Must be some fancy journalist speak perhaps?’
Cricket writer Jonathan Agnew was also sent out to manage the ECB message. His battlefield was social media. However, after an small exchange of words with Kevin Pietersen’s wife regarding something that made no sense to anyone, he ran away back to the safety of that area behind others.
We take his words ‘….I will now leave it to the bullies….’ above to mean that Prior, Swann, Anderson and Broad will now take over from where Agnew left off.
I have been manning social media and the wave of vitriol I’m expecting from these blokes has yet to occur. One can only deduce that John Etheridge is slow on delivering their pre-written scripts.
Finally, Chris Tremlett was rolled out to put the final nail in the KP coffin.
‘From what I saw, Kevin did nothing wrong but be honest about what was happening. ‘
When I asked Chris if that was his official statement, he said:
‘Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise you wanted the official one.’
[Tremlett pulls a piece of paper from his pocket. It has The Sun’s letterhead on it]
My official thoughts on KP’s book is that I am not allowed to like it… I mean… I don’t like it.
It has stories that are not true.
All those recollections of his childhood in South Africa are clearly made up. He never grew up in Pietermaritzburg. No one with the surname Pietersen would ever come from there. It’s like me growing up in Tremlettville. Clearly it’s bullshit.