– The successful candidate will be responsible for developing a world class English team. Well, if not truly English, at least you should use players from the Commonwealth as a start. Also, don’t forget Wales. We are the English AND Wales Cricket Board, even if we don’t rate them as shown in our acronym. EWCB just doesn’t have the same ring about it.
– The Head Coach will report to Paul Downton, the Managing Director of England Cricket, and will have overall responsibility for the performance and management of the England Men’s team in all three forms of the game. You don’t get to touch the women per se as they have the Ashes and win things. You can however touch the women at least once per year in a drunken scandal that we will sweep under the carpet.
– The Head Coach will lead a team of specialist coaches and will be responsible for defining their roles, their performance and ongoing development. You will also need to ensure that David Saker continues to develop Steve Finn and Jade Dernbach.
– The Head Coach will be a co-opted member of the England selectors. You will share the blame for selections like Simon Kerrigan, Boyd Rankin, Chris Tremlett and Scott Borthwick.
– The Head Coach will be responsible for reviewing, maintaining and enforcing the disciplinary codes within the England Men’s team. This includes the texting policy, the whistling in secret team meetings policy and also the ex captains wearing lycra in public policy.
– Whilst international coaching and/or international playing experience is highly desirable, candidates who have captained / coached at village level will also be considered for this position.
– Candidates must be able to point to a track record of success at first-class and/or international level achieved over an extended period of time. For English candidates, we will interpret “extended period of time” to mean a two match stretch against Bangladesh or other Tier 2 nation
– The successful candidate will be an accomplished strategist with clear and ambitious plans for how they will develop and build success for English cricket moving forward. MS Dhoni is the benchmark
– The Head Coach will be an outstanding communicator. You must be able to speak English, or if not English, at least be able to snort “God Save the Queen” underwater
– It will be the Head Coach’s role to ensure that the team menu is up to world class standard. Knowledge of how to pronounce and cook Quinoa is a minimum requirement
– The Head Coach needs to demonstrate great organisational strengths and will be responsible for setting out and then executing plans for the development of the England team. You will need to know how to drive the bus from West Ham to Leeds while avoiding any tolls.
– The Head Coach must be able to demonstrate a commitment to being at the cutting edge of the latest developments in cricket. You must believe in Ayrtec helmets.
– You will foster strong working relationships across key departments within the ECB, including coach development, medical, sports science and the Barmy Army.
– The Head Coach will develop effective working relationships with all of the counties, including Natal, NSW and Uttar Pradesh, drawing on the expertise and experience of coaches from around the colony.
– The closing date for applications will be Friday 28th March.
– Letters of application and full CVs should be sent by email to our exclusively retained search consultant, Ravi Shastri, at Sports Recruitment International at firstname.lastname@example.org.
– Alternatively, call Ravi on 1800 INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION.
If you are Tom Moody, Dav Whatmore, Ashley Giles or Mickey Arthur, the real advertisement can be found here (click me)