Dennis: Good morning Mr Srinivasan. Thank you so much for your time. I want to start with….
Srinivasan: “PRIYA! THERE’S A WHITE MAN IN MY OFFICE”
D: Mr Srinivasan, my name is Dennis Freedman. Your secretary Priya arranged for us to chat. Did you….
S: “PRIYA! THE GORA IS STILL HERE.”
Priya: Mr Srinivasan. Dennis is your 11am appointment. You agreed to meet him and partake in an interview sir.
S: Oh. Did you bring chai son?
S: Who are you again? “PRIYA. THIS ISN’T BEN DORRIES IS IT?”
Priya: No sir. This is Dennis Freedman. He is very nice. Unlike Ben Dorries, KP knows who he is. He has eaten at Sachin’s restaurant also. He gave it a 7 out of 10.
S: Ahh Ok. Well why didn’t you say so? Nice to meet you Darren.
D: It’s Dennis.
S: Yes. Dhawan
D: *sigh*. Mr Srinivasan. May I start by asking what it feels like to be the ICC President?
S: I’m up to level 58 of Candy Crush.
D: Mr Srinivasan, that makes no sense?
S: I know. You would expect me to only be up to level 40, but I bought some of those super candies and they really helped.
D: Ok then. That’s great. But how does it feel to be President?
S: Yes. I am President. I am President of India Cement, I am President of the Chennai Super Kings, I am President of the BCCI, I am President of the ICC and I know every word of Lump by the Presidents of the United States of America. Listen…
“Lump sat alone in a boggy marsh
Totally motionless except for her heart …. “
D: Yes Mr Srinivasan, but how does it feel?
S: That song always make me feel happy.
D: Ok. Let’s move on. Are you worried about the upcoming findings of the Supreme Court of India in regards to your involvement in corrupt activities?
S: I have met with the judges. They will do my pleasing.
D: So you are not concerned about the corruption allegations?
S: No Damien. I have paid the judges to rule in a fair and just manner.
D: My name is Dennis
S: Yes. I know.
D: Mr Srinivasan, why do the Indians oppose the DRS system?
S: It is unreliable as it gives accurate outcomes. We cannot control it. Therefore, we object to its use.
D: How do you feel when commentators refer to the India, Australia and English takeover of the ICC as the “Axis of Evil”?
S: How would these commentators know what the Axis of Evil is like? Have they ever been to North Korea? No they haven’t. Have they been to Iraq? Iran? No they haven’t.
I tell you Donald, I have been to all these places and they are amazing places. None of these countries use the DRS either. You understand my point?
S: You see Derek, those that are jealous of me say these things. Those that are not jealous will tell the truth about me. For balance, you should speak to Ravi Shastri or Sunil Gavaskar about me. These are opinions worth listening to.
D: My final question Mr Srinivasan. Who do you think will win the next World Cup?
S: I have done nothing wrong
D: Thank you for your time Mr Srinivasan
S: Before you go Darryl, do you know how to use this Bowlologist app? What button do I press to get Giles Clarke to make me some chapati?