Cricket is a most marvellous game. Steeped in tradition, lathered in the goodness of manly honour and bestowed with the virtues of fairness.
It is for these reasons and more, that players, administrators and fans worldwide fight like Beserkers to maintain what is good in the game.
But what if there was a parallel cricket universe where chaos reined. One where cricket is not first, but last on the priority list. One where we did everything possible to destroy what has been built over the past 150 years
What if we had……<insert spooky music> ……
I have taken the time I have riding this train to work, to highlight how horrible cricketaggedon could be.
So close your eyes, lie back and consider what cricket would look like if some of these radical and hair brained scenarios played out.
Warning: Not for the squeamish or those with a history of heart complaints.
- Laws are changed to let players continue to throw
- In Cricketaggedon, an international match can be decided with each team batting only 5 overs due to some disease called Duckworth Lewis syndrome.
- Technology has made decision making more confusing
- Poor leaders have great players dropped due to “cultural differences”
- You can send in a staff commentator to investigate his President’s alleged corrupt activities
- You move the game’s headquarters to a country that hardly plays cricket and is rife with bookmakers
- Michael Stater is on TV.
- Umpires are known to be on the take and not investigated
- The governing body has a report showing the 2011 World Cup was fixed but doesn’t hand it to the police.
- The only drug cheat caught for performance enhancing drugs claimed his mum gave him diet pills.
- Jade Dernbach is an international player
- Players are sent home, not due to onfield performance, but because they filed a report late
- You can piss on the pitch without sanction
- ex player Manifestos drive your country’s strategy
- Players are picked for the national team based on skin colour
- There is no full strength beer at the Boxing Day Test.
- You will never again hear Richie and Bill call a match live together
- Experts like Piers Morgan are judged on twitter followers rather than the insight they provide.
- ex national captains are forced to sell airconditioners just to feed their family.
- You can make a Test double hundred and then get dropped, never to play again.
- The Cricket Show is a thing
- Damien Fleming is known only for an app.
- Monty Panesar can’t pull a chick
- World Cup finals are played in total darkness
- Umpires not on the ICC Elite Panel can officiate in Ashes Tests.
- “Conflict of Interest” is not a term that has any meaning in Hindi.
- Teams announce that their star fast bowler will miss the next game due to “genital warts”
- You can’t see a Test schedule that goes out for more than 6 months
- There is no Grand Final of Test playing nations due to the fear England may not make the final four.
- Fast food, gambling and alcohol sponsorships dominate.
- Boundaries are moved in so far that they no longer represent a challenge
- You are a cricketing powerhouse, but have to recycle your coach because the South African you really wanted said no