Australian chairman of selectors Rod Marsh, and coach Darren Lehmann, have embraced a policy of ‘Brutal Honesty’.
Glenn Maxwell is the first to be on the receiving end publicly. He was told he doesn’t deserve to be in the Test team to face Pakistan, based on current performance.
After hearing about this new policy, I’ve made a few sneaky phone calls. What I’ve discovered is that Marsh and Lehmann have a secret dossier that contains the truths that all contracted players will hear over the coming months.
Never one to keep a secret, I’m leaking that dossier. Boof actually calls it his ‘Brutalfesto.’
The ‘Brutal Honesty’ Dossier
We probably should have started this policy before we let you stand down as T20 skipper to focus on your Test career. It won’t happen George. You will live out your life an irrelevant ODI player, although we will sing your praises highly during the upcoming World Cup. And please stop smiling all the time. Who do you think you are? Ronald McDonald?
Your back is rooted. Your hamstrings are done.
People still remember you for this:
That Lara Bingle smell still mocks you and why can’t your wife spell her name like a normal person?
Kyly? C’mon. That is just pretentious shit.
Lucky you can bat.
We like you. It’s probably the blonde tips. Stay fit and you could be Australia’s next great Test all rounder. God knows we need one. We’ve tried bloody everyone. Maxwell, Moises, Andrew McDonald. Cameron White…..we even used to think it was Steve Smith until we worked out he can’t bowl.
You won’t play Tests for Australia unless the 8 people ahead of you all spontaneously self combust and we choose not to call up Phil Hughes. You are a decent slogger, so just go and slog. It might do you some good to lose a few pounds too. We suggest you catch up with Warney. He’ll talk you through the lap band surgery stuff.
This is your last summer. For no other reason than we need to write you off every 6 months. It’s in the by laws. But don’t stress. Wade hasn’t been taken seriously as a challenger since that unfortunate pitch tampering incident last year, Whiteman isn’t ready and Tim Payne will find a way to injure himself.
You are gone. You know it. We know it. But we wanted to reward you for being a bloody ripper bloke, so we got you a gig next to Slats in the Channel Nine commentary box. Not ideal, but it could have been next to Heals. Thank us later.
Mate, we couldn’t give a rats tossbag if you made more triple centuries in 1st class cricket than Sachin. I guess that’s not too hard as you only have to do it once. The facts are that you will only play Tests when Rogers falls prey to osteoporosis. Notice how we dropped you from the ODI squad after the Zimbabwe tour? We really don’t like you.
Thanks Christ your wife and mum sorted our their shit. That was starting to get embarrassing in a Lara Bingle kinda way.
Also, don’t shave your moustache off.
Not even at the end of Movember. Shaving for charity is for chumps.
Let’s be honest. We asked the guys at the Adelaide Oval to keep that mowing job open for you. We don’t think you need that anymore. Just keep taking a sneaky 4 or 5 wickets a Test and everything will be fine. Also, now is not the time to try and learn a doosra unless you like testing labs in Brisbane.
<Boof> Let’s be honest Marshy. If it wasn’t for the family connection, the closest you would get to the Australian squad would be if you bought an Xbox and played Don Bradman Cricket 2014. Your stats are rubbish. I really wanted Mitch Marsh. I won’t lose that battle come the next round of contract talks.
We picked you for the Pakistan series as we reckon you can play Ajmal. He is now banned, so you won’t be playing.
That reminds me, remember when we picked Ashton Agar to take on Kevin Pietersen in The Ashes?
Maybe these player match up selections don’t work after all?
This is your last summer. You can play the 1st two Tests against the Indians. Make a mistake and Phil Hughes will take your place. Well, he should, but we probably won’t pick him. We’ll perhaps just go for a no name who doesn’t deserve a place. That hasn’t been done for a while. Although Ed Cowan just made a 200 odd for Tasmania. Maybe he’s available?
If you can bowl at 140 kph and not break down…..you play. Simple.
We like you Peter. The whole of Australia does. You are probably the world’s most loved sporting vegetarian. You should be proud of that.
The problem is that you are the modern day Merv Hughes. A good honest Victorian workhorse.
That’s used to be ok when every fast bowler was out injured, but now they are coming back. We might play you in Perth in an ODI.
You will be the next Australian captain. You just need to find yourself a model wife who spells her name like Roobekkah or Genifur.
Explain this to us Mitchell. You are at your best when you bowl fast inswinging yorkers, but you rarely bowl them. Facts are this. Johnson and Harris are our two best fast bowlers. The third spot is up for grabs between you and Patto. If Harris goes down, then you probably play, but you need to sort out your consistency. Quickly.
Just stop talking. Yep, that’s about it.
How are you still on the contracted list? Can’t make hundreds. Can’t bowl more than 8 overs a Test. Can’t get your body right. The captain has called you a cancer. Hell, you don’t even do your homework.