[Andrew Strauss and Jason Gillespie are seated at the Pig and Whistle in West London]
Andrew Strauss: Thanks for meeting me to discuss the vacant English coaching role.
Jason Gillespie: No problem
Strauss: Mind if I call you Dizzy?
Gillespie: Well, it’s better than calling me a ‘c*nt’ I suppose.
Strauss: Oh no, that’s only for people I don’t like.
Gillespie: Like match fixers?
Strauss: No, like Kevin Pietersen
Gillespie: Oh. If I’m coach, can I pick him? He’s a Cricketer of Unmatched Natural Talent.
Strauss: That’s what I said. But no.
Gillespie: Oh [sighs]. Can I pick my own captain?
Gillespie: Oh [sighs]. Can I pick the vice captain then?
Gillespie: Oh [sighs]. Can I send the players to play in the IPL?
Strauss: No. It’s better they play in the more exciting Natwest thingy. It’s sponsored by a bank you know?
Gillespie: Oh [sighs].
Strauss: I think it’s a great role and we really want you.
Gillespie: Why is it such a great role?
Strauss: Well, we normally get knocked out of tournaments early. Your family will love that. You will always be home early.
Gillespie: Fair point
Strauss: Also, you can have a cool title.
Gillespie: What, like ‘Coach’?
Strauss: No, even better. ‘Coach, English cricket’. In fact, you don’t even have to use a comma. You could use a question mark if you like.
Gillespie: What do you mean?
Strauss: What about something like ‘Coach? English Cricket’. Like it?
Strauss: Great! Now, Paul Farbrace will be your assistant coach and we will leak private conversations to the media when it suits us. You also can’t select Steven Finn. We’ve stamped his papers ‘unselectable’.
See, you have full control
Gillespie: Can I leave now?
Strauss: Wait, I just need to text Nick Hoult and tell him you are here with me. Mind if I take a pic of us and send it to him? Confidentially of course.
Gillespie: [runs out the door]