I wish to address the English cricketing fans and also those people who come from the right kind of family.
My name is James Anderson and I am not a person pusher as alleged in this article. I can also confirm that unlike Damien Martyn and his Jeunesse facial creams, I am not a multi level marketing pusher either. They are the worst kind. “I’d like to talk to you about a business opportunity” and all that shit. Geez.
I find it extremely disturbing that the Indian team have accused me of laying a hand on Jadeja. I can’t even land a ball in the right spot.
It’s not like I have history. Hitting Clarke with a pad was relatively “minor” and threatening to punch George Bailey was kinda a joke.
It is true that Jadeja and I had words on Day 2 of the Trent Bridge Test. I asked him how his mum was and stuff like that.
He asked me about this picture.
It was all very cordial. He did make a Bollywood reference in Hindi that went over my head, but MS Dhoni laughed, so it was probably funny and in the spirit of the conversation.
The ICC is saying I could be banned for a minimum of two matches. At least I wouldn’t have to play at the Ageas Bowl. Seriously, what kind of name is that for a cricket ground?
I have hired the best lawyers in the land to help me defend these charges. I can confirm that the glove found at the crime scene doesn’t fit my hand and that I love Reeva very much and would do nothing to hurt her.
Giles says that he will call Uncle Srinivasan and make all of this go away. God knows the team needs me out there. My series average of 42.5 and strike rate of 88.5 will be crucial in ensuring we remain a mediocre cricket side.
I expect to come back strongly from this and make India pay for this false allegation. I intend to take three lower order wickets in the next match. When I strike, the score will most likely be 7/420.
I hope you are ready Jadeja.
Yours in gleeful wicket celebrations that look like a dress rehearsal from “A Chorus Line”.