It is about as relevant to cricket fans as England’s “The 100” tournament. That’s why I’ve decided to write about it.
The recently launched Super Kabaddi League has been difficult to miss because everyone from Arsene Wenger to Donald Trump have totally ignored it.
Apparently, there’s a draft coming. Or a free T-shirt giveaway or something. Who knows?
Whether you love kabaddi, or have never heard of it, this is the non-definitive guide you need.
From what I’ve seen of the sport, it involves strong alpha males wearing lycra and trying to tackle each other. The sweatier the man that you grab, the more points you get.
You also have to hold your breath. Literally.
The umpires come up to you and listen for air escaping your lungs. If it does, you get called for a no-ball and the opposition get a free hit.
So the game is like deep sea diving without a scuba tank, mixed with male jelly wrestling while wearing cycling attire.
What’s not to love?
Here’s a fun fact. There’s more countries in the Kabaddi World Cup than the Cricket World Cup.
That’s because cricket is crap and kabaddi is bloody awesome.
Now, the Super Kabaddi League will be held in Lahore and involve all of the world’s best players. Except that Chris Gayle and Steven Smith are unavailable and MS Dhoni is waiting to see if India Cements will give him a leave pass.
The league is so big that they have skipped making an easy to use website and just invested more in their Facebook page instead. This just reeks of supreme innovation and really small marketing budgets.
Here, look at their “Contact Us” page. What language is that? Are they still trying to sell franchises? It is all a bit confusing?
I’m also told that the league is only for men.
To make sure that no women sneak in as they are prone to do, all of the player’s in line to play have nominated their gender in their official profiles.
Just like Muzammil Hussain has here:
I’m glad he did, because how else would we have known that he didn’t have a vagina hidden in those shorts somewhere?
Excitingly, some of the team logos have already been released.
Let’s take a look shall we?
I’m a fan of a team from Gwadar as it proves that the Chinese play kabaddi too.
I also like the nickname “Bahadurs”.
It means “brave”, and nothing is braver than playing a homoerotic sport less than 100 kilometres from the Iranian border.
The Lahore Thunder team logo looks like it’s giving you the middle finger.
It is also using a shitty concrete monument to do it. Now yes, I know what this thing is meant to represent. I’ve been there and seen the Minar-e-Pakistan with my own eyes.
Apparently Pakistan was invented where this tower now stands. It’s like a desi Silicon Valley in that regard.
However, I can also confirm that this is a poor representation of the monolith.
It isn’t yellow. It’s more like a dull grey concrete colour with dry pigeon shit providing highlights.
As a monument to something great, it is probably the most anti-great thing I saw in Pakistan.
Architectural concrete structures are never endearing. If it was made of chocolate, I’d be impressed.
Lift your game Lahore.
Let’s be honest with ourselves. If you name yourself either the”All-Stars” or a derivative of “Kings”, then you need to get some new branding interns. They have also chosen to use the same colours as the Chinese team from Gwadar.
It is an extremely lazy effort from Islamabad.
What they should have shown is Imran Khan’s house. It’s the only thing of note in the whole city.
Quite clearly, the guy who bought this franchise just used MS Word Art to design this logo. He needs a slap across the face. It is truly awful.
The Gujrat logo is nice, but why can’t they spell it “Gujarat” like the Indians?
This is probably proof that Indians are better at English while Pakistani’s are better at designing logos that use the swords that appear on the Saudi Arabian flag.
Multan and Faisalabad are yet to release their logos. I’d suggest they go for something with lions in it as that seems to be what all of the cool kids are doing these days.
Anyhow, I trust this guide has wet your appetite for something. Whether it be for the love of kabaddi is something we may never know.