The ODI career of Alastair Cook appears over, with the English captain offering to resign today.
In front of a packed media, the besieged skipper said that it was time to put the team first, ahead of any personal desires.
“I am here today to offer my resignation to the ECB” Cook said.
“My current form is not good enough to continue on as a batsman. It is holding other people back and disrupting England’s World Cup campaign.”
“However, given I am from the ‘right kind of family’, it is important that some modest concessions are granted before I can move aside.”
“Firstly, it is no secret that I haven’t scored a century for 45 ODI innings. My captaincy is also rather inept. A stoned Phil Tuffnell could probably do better.”
“Therefore, I require the scorebooks to be edited to show I made a ton every fourth innings. Also, I can never be out caught behind or in the slips. An attacking and entertaining batsman like myself needs to be caught on the hook or at cow corner.”
“I also need an adjustment to my ODI average when playing in Australia. It is currently only 28.00. It should show something over 45.00. Then, when I don’t play in the World Cup, commentators will ask why the hell I wasn’t in the team. Like they do with Kevin Pietersen.”
“Finally, any article written by Michael Vaughan or Shane Warne that is not complimentary of me must be erased and replaced with chapters of glowing praise. I should be compared favourably to Stephen Fleming in regards to captaincy skills and better than Gilchrist as a devastating opener.”
Paul Downton, ECB Managing Director, said that it would be difficult to meet Cook’s demands.
“If we do as he asks, all our press statements since The Ashes supporting Cook will need to be rewritten. We just don’t have the time. Xmas is nearly here and the marketing department is about to go on leave.”
A spokesman for the ICC was also rather negative towards the requests.
” If we bow to Cook, then what next? Do we alter Wasim Akram’s statement that James Anderson is the best bowler in the world? Do we erase Imran Tahir’s World Record 0/260? Do we acknowledge that Chairman Srinivasan is conflicted? Do we make Glenn Maxwell the best Test number 3 of all time?
It would be a big mess.”
The stand off continues.