Maybe I should change the title of this piece. If an Indian Bookie read it, they might think there is some value in these words for them. There probably isn’t.
Anyhow, English cricket is in turmoil.
No wonder Trott just retired. Who wants to be apart of that rabble?
But I’m a charitable guy and have therefore penned this 32 step guide on how English cricket can sort itself out.
Here it is:
1) Tour India and play a team full of all rounders. It’s best if you have one called Moises and another called Maxwell. Settle for Moeen and Bresnan instead.
2) Play a crap spinner. Doherty is best, but Tredwell will do.
3) Have your captain call your vice captain ‘cancer’
4) Get a South African in the squad. Not to play, but to coach.
5) Have the players do something non cricket to broaden their horizons, like doing some homework perhaps.
6) Send four players home for being crap at homework
7) Have your star opener simultaneously play for the A Team in Zimbabwe
8) Have a legendary ex spinner write a Manifesto. This could be John Embury or Phil Tuffnell.
9) Sack your coach. This always works.
10) Have your head selector resign
11) Go on another tour and blood an unknown left arm net spinner in an important Test match. Have him make a 90 at number 11
12) Play someone who is clearly not an opener play as opener. You tried Trott, but I’m sure someone else will make a go of it. Root perhaps.
13) Let that non opener teach the team how to use the DRS when given out LBW
14) Find a fast bowler called Mitch and let him bowl really really fast. If you don’t have a Mitch, change someone’s name by default. Recruit another South African for the job if you have to.
15) Have your T20 captain bat at number 6 and smile all the time.
16) Appoint a bogan as your coach. A chav will also do.
17) Have your captain make a sledge about breaking something other than English team spirit.
18) Have your overrated quick break the world record for the most runs taken off him in a Test over.
19) Keep the sledging up by saying your opponent has ‘scared eyes’
20) Play a wicket keeper who says he is fit but actually can’t move his legs.
21) Win the Ashes 5-0. This step could be a little bit difficult
22) Travel to South Africa
23) Have your captain make a 150 with a broken hand against Steyn, Morkel and Philander
24) Win that Test series
25) During this time, pick a full time spinner and support them
26) Don’t play out of form captains who can’t make centuries for 704 days
27) Don’t sack your best player for whistling
28) Don’t turn over 9 openers in 2 years
29) Don’t pick leg spinners from Sydney grade cricket
30) Listen to ex players who had success like Vaughan and Boycott
31) Don’t have your new Director of Cricket call players ‘c$$nts’ live on air during celebratory matches at Lord’s.
32) Stop being shit
BONUS STEP 33) Make the World Cup Finals
Any steps I have missed?